Cropped shot of a couple sitting back to back after a disagreement in the bedroom

We Don’t Need a Break, We Need One Another

“Do you even love me?”

As soon as the words left my lips I wanted to take them back.  What if he said no? Why would I ask a question that I clearly wasn’t ready to hear the answer to.


My husband and I are nowhere near perfect, but we have always been…together…best friends…there.  For fifteen years we have fought, resolved and rose from the ashes stronger than before.    I think that has always been our talent, we can handle it all.  We don’t always handle it gracefully, but we manage.  When we were in college he once got wasted at a bar and threw up in my purse.  Of course he was promptly booted from the establishment. I was so worried about him I too left and went to his house to make sure he was ok.  He opened the door and told me I smelled like puke, his puke.  When I was pregnant with our first daughter I was so petrified to miscarry a second time that I basically ignored his every sexual desire, convinced that it would result in fetal demise, for nearly a year.  I didn’t give a rip about his needs, truly I didn’t.

Somehow we prevailed.  We made it through college, careers, career changes, kids, more kids, butt loads of kids, no matter the storm we have always weathered it.  This time felt different though.  Our communication has sucked lately.  We have become the definition of ships in the night.  He goes to work before the sun peeks over the horizon, I take care of the house and the kids all day long, he comes home from work at bedtime.  We do the sport- runs, the homework, the play dates, the baths, the shit.  Then we decompress…separately.  He frogs around on his phone, sometimes I do the same.  I work on my blog, he plays Clash of Clans.  We retreat.

Sure we meet in the middle of our marital bed to do what married people do, but back to our spaces we return afterwards, convinced that we need sanctuary even from each other.  How wrong we are.


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44 thoughts on “We Don’t Need a Break, We Need One Another

  1. OMG!!! is this the fifteen years thing or something… I have been married for the same time and we are going thru the same thing right now… I know how you feel, just because I’m feeling the same way right now.

  2. Brave of you to ask that question! We’ve been there… you can’t be married that many years and not get there. Seasons of life, and all.

  3. Individual space is important as much as common activities as a couple or a date-night, but most of all I think to talk is important, without talking a teeny-tiny issue can look like a huge, impossible problem!

  4. I love your honesty in this post. I always say communication is the key, hubby and I talk a lot, but them we have only been together 6 years and have a lot to experience yet.

  5. Marriage is work – especially with ALL the life surrounding it. It’s the first thing to get lost. Thank you for sharing and for making others realize they are not alone.

  6. Been a rough few months here too. I think sometimes the kids just suck all the energy and time away, not leaving much left for each other. Its an easy excuse though. More effort would probably go a long way

  7. I get it, I really do. We have been married just six years this year and have only one child but I can see how it happens. Marriage doesn’t always come easy and you really do have to work at it. So pleased you chose each other. I hope it all works out. I’m sure it will. #familyfunlinky

  8. I love love and I love marriage. I’m happy that you two are making it work for you and your family. I totally understand needing that “me” time in the midst of it all. I hope you gain more time for one another too. Thanks for opening up to us readers.

  9. lol I am always single by choice or not, who knows but I was curious to read this. I truly have nothing applicable to say as I am not even allowed to give advice on relationships lol But I truly hope everything works out for the best, for both of you.

  10. I was hoping for an ending that would answer how to deal with this in my own life! My husband and I have been together for 6 years now, and I can definitely see this issue slowly forming within our relationship. To avoid conflict, we spend time separately instead of compromising and furthering our relationship. We think too much in the short-term and not enough about creating a sustainable relationship. Maybe silence is better than fighting, but compromise is better than silence!

  11. The dreaded screens are pretty damaging to parents as well as kids eh? We are definitely guilty of that – each one wanting the other ones attention at the exact wrong moment (like right now – go away!).
    You are right though – the communicating has to open back up, otherwise we might as well be sending each other an email goodnight.

    Thanks for linking up to #coolmumclub

  12. This is beautifully written, and thank you for sharing. I think there is not one couple in the world that doesn’t go through peaks and valleys, periods of closeness and driftint apart, and that tends to repeat over a lifetime. But I truly believe the only thing that makes love, and decades long relationships possible is honest communication- there is no other way. Best of luck to you both!

  13. Wow! You really sound like an inspiring couple. I went throught something like that (of course not after 15 years of marriage), and I told myself that it`s just a phase which will pass. And I was right. I think every couple has to go through some phases, and sometimes you just really need some time off.

  14. I so know how you feel. Sometimes I think the first step towards this is more regulated phone time because I know it helps decompress for us both, but we could be finding more productive ways together in those moments of silence. #blogstravaganza

  15. We’ve been together for about the same amount of time. Our relationship is very different now than it was when we started out. It’s not easy keeping it together. Too much space is not a good thing. If you spend too much time apart, you grow apart. You can only grow together being together. #BloggerClubUK

  16. Oh I have to much love for the honesty of this post. Something I bet so many of us have wanted to put into words but been unable to for one reason or another. I wish both the best going forward. Thank you for joining us at #familyfun

  17. Oh this was such a wonderful post. I loved it because I feel like I can totally relate and understand. I say “break” a lot, but sometimes I think it’s important to put it past us and love each other.

  18. What a very honest post! It’s great that you’ve realised what you need to work on together as a couple as you can now address those issues. I had to smile at the part about playing clash of clans while you blog – basically the exact thing which goes down in our house! #postsfromtheheart

  19. How beautifully honest. I think it’s so easy to think ‘a break’ means ‘me time’ but I think you’re right – we have to reconnect with our partner otherwise everything kinda falls apart doesn’t it? Thanks for sharing on #FabFridayPost

  20. Actually crying right now as I feel like me and hubby are going through a really similar thing at the minute. We barely talk anymore unless it’s about the kids or work, we are both so tired and just don’t seem to have the energy for each other at the minute. Hopefully it’s just a blip, no one said marriage was easy. Thanks for linking this up to #BlogCrush xx

  21. Wow, what an honest post. I wasn’t sure what I was going to read when I started this one. It’s such an interesting view point and I agree that together time is so important. If you create too much space, it may just get bigger and bigger. Thank you for sharing with the #DreamTeam x

  22. Oh hun, this is such a powerful post. It’s a trap I think a lot of couples fall into, thankfully you both recognised what was happening before it was too late. Thanks so much for linking up at #KCACOLS. Hope you come back again next Sunday x

  23. It sounds like you have a strong base to build yourselves back up from. Thanks so much for linking up at #KCACOLS. Hope you come back again next Sunday

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