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I Can’t Feel My Vagina, but It’s Not What You Think

I’ve been running lobbing a few miles on the treadmill a few days a week and I don’t think I have lost a single pound.  It’s probably due to the fact that  when I start to feel the burn I slow down, because I suck at exercise. I am one of those women who needs the pressure of a class and a room full of eyeballs to get their ass in gear. I suggested to one of my trusted mom friends that we try a spin class.  She was pumped!  You see she is no spin virgin, hence she knew what she was signing up for.

 

Me not so much.

 

I figured I could handle an hour of stationary bike riding no problem.  How hard could it be to just keep pedaling?  People go on hour long bike rides all of the time and those excursions have hills!  They don’t die.  I’ve been a runner, I’ve hot yoga-ed, and Zumba-ed and even did a Pilates class one summer.  I can totally be a spin class diva.

So I ran a few miles this morning, cleaned the carpets, did the grocery shopping, laundry, vacuuming, and practiced for the talent show with my seven year old.  Then I went to spin class with my girlfriend.  Right when I entered the cycling room I knew I was royally fucked.  The instructor clearly follows a strict diet of Speed and caffeine.  She was ready to ROCK!  She excitedly told the class that every other song would have a “bounce.” Because I had no frame of reference for what was about to go down I thought nothing of this.

We all started pedaling away as the music blared and the instructor mouthed the words and bopped along to the songs like she was heading up the next big boy band.  Then the bouncing began…

 

We pedaled standing and rocked back and forth pressing our arms down as if we were doing push ups…on a bike… with hella resistance…at full speed.  Just when I thought I might die she let us release the resistance and take a breather.  She literally meant slam your water and take a singe breath you little bitches!  And right back at it we were.

This went on for an hour.  All the while I kept thinking to myself something is seriously wrong with the height of my bike.  It has to be too high.  Even though the instructor kindly adjusted it for me prior to trying to kill me with her bouncy bullshit, she must have made a gross error because with every bounce the bike seat slammed into my poor  va-jay-jay.  Half way through the routine I wasn’t even sure I could feel my poor lady parts anymore.  I kid you not I haven’t been rammed like that since college.  I don’t even think I’ll be able to wear shorts all week since there is no way I am not bruised to shit down there.  There is a one hundred percent chance that I will be driving though the car line tomorrow sitting on a giant ice pack and wearing an adult diaper.  Wowzers.

When she announced that there were two songs left I knew I was going to make it.  My mind shifted from wondering if I should stop at the supermarket on my way home to buy adult diapers to wondering if I could find a sprinkler system running in the neighborhood that I could stop my car at and stand in.  We finished the last two songs and I knew that this would not be my one and only spin class.  I am definitely hooked on this sick torture and am already looking forward to the next one.  Aside from the the Ed Sheeran song she played, Shape of You, that I hate with the intensity of one thousand suns, I would say tonight’s first spin class was a major success, numb vagina and all.

 

Side note:  Apologies to my husband whose car I took to class.  My guess is that it will be smelling like sweaty vagina for a few days.

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57 thoughts on “I Can’t Feel My Vagina, but It’s Not What You Think

  1. First, let me start out with “I love you, you are awesomesauce!!!” You had me hooked with the title and ended somewhere between dying laughing and wanting to sign up for spin class! I’ve considered trying a spin class before, but I am the opposite and expected that I will fall off a stationionary bike or some other impossible dumb thing, Lol! Glad to hear you liked it though, gives me some inspiration!

  2. Oh my goodness. You had me laughing my head off! I’m a regular gym goer but have never done a spin class. Not really sure why not. Maybe I should give it a go now?

  3. Oh god, the more I hear about spinning the more sick I feel. I will never be straddling one of those bikes!
    “I kid you not I haven’t been rammed like that since college” – the four year old is dying know to know what I’m laughing at…!
    #AnythingGoes

  4. Oh Kris I have to thank you for making me laugh for the first tine in days. You’ve read my teen post so you know why I’ve been glum. And your titles are the best! The college/rammed line nearly made me choke laughing. But did you say you RAN, did laundry etc etc all in one day and THEN did a spin class? What the actual eff? I can’t get that much done in one week! Dear God are you even human? #bigpinklink

  5. Hahaha… ‘I haven’t been rammed like that since college’ , I’m crying!! This post is so funny. I went to a spin class and fell off the bike, obviously I’ve not been back xx #twinklyTuesday

  6. Hahahaha omg so it’s not just me at spin class!! This is hilarious, but weirdly, it makes me pine for the gym which I haven’t been able to re-join since having my baby! #bigpinklink

  7. You did running and then all of those things and THEN did a spin class? I do a little bit of running and then lay down all day basking in the glory of my 30 mins of jogging? To then do spinning is seriously hard core. I’d try it but my va-jay-jay is wincing at the very thought! Thanks for sharing with #DreamTeam x

  8. I now have a parody of Ariana Grande’s “Side to Side” video involving you and an enlarged nether-region! Amusing for me at least! hahahah! I’m looking forward to hearing about your next session of torture! thanks for sharing this with us at #TriumphantTales!

  9. Oh my gosh – so funny! That was like the first time I took ballet (okay, not nearly so traumatizing besides that I had NO IDEA what was going on the entire time) and then I could barely walk the next day. It sounds like fun and games, and can it REALLY be that hard? But yes, it can, and you’ll feel it for days afterward. But when you like it, you go back for more!
    ~Jess
    #ALittleBitOfEverything

  10. Brilliant. I think you have just summed up spinning perfectly. I hate all forms of exercise but discovered a spin class when we lived in Newcastle and despite the torture I was totally hooked. We moved a year later though and I’ve never found a good one since, the ones at my local sports centre now just focus on resistance cycling, there’s no movement to it or press-ups etc and the music is always shit so I gave up.
    #FamilyFunLinky

  11. Oh this made me laugh and also reminded me why I gave up spinning. Do you think anyone has invented spinning pants? Padded pants that protect the vagina. We need these in our lives. I gave up spinning because I couldn’t cope with having a numb vagina….oh and the fact that it was pure torture too! #FridayFrolics

  12. I LOVE me some spin class, and this is a hilarious take — I even laughed out some precious coffee (nectar of the gods) as I read this over breakfast! You are hysterical and would be a hoot to spin with… #FridayFrolics

  13. This is exactly what Lucy said about it! Smashed vagina vibes seem to be all I hear about spin class, I think I want to try it though. The last line, bleurgh! 😀 Thanks for linking up with the #bigpinklink this week.

  14. Ahaha that’s hilarious. I am a die hard spin class fan, it is by far my favourite exercise and back when I was a unencumbered free spirit (childless) I was known to do two in a row, twice a week. Now I am just glad to get there once a week. That said I remember my first ever class like it was yesterday, numb vag-jay jay and all I couldn’t walk for a good three days. Yet weirdly I went back for more! Weird huh. Thanks for joining us at #familyfun

  15. My legs were sore just reading this post. I can’t say I want to do this anymore than I did before reading this post (which was not at all), but it is somehow motivating towards other forms of exercise. #globalblogging

  16. Ha! HA! ‘i haven’t been rammed like that since college” LUCKY YOU I say!! youre hilarious. I’ve never tried spinning and I think now I never will. Good. That’s another thing I don’t have to worry about!
    #Globalblogging

  17. I’ve never done a spin classs (And never will) but I do have some idea of what you mean. We went to Center Parcs a few years ago and all had bikes. I’d not been on a bike for about 30 years previously so I found it a little hard at first. Then that first night, lying in my bed, the pain was unbearable, I don’t think I’ve ever felt anything like it. I hope it’s not so painful next time.
    #globalBlogging

  18. Very funny and I love your headline, but you have definitely not converted me to Spinning, or any form of group exercise for that matter. I like to get sweaty alone. And it’s not what you think… #GlobalBlogging

  19. You get points for even trying. Somehow I know I could not survive. I’ll stick with my old lady walking videos at home, thank you very much bouncy-spin-caffeine-infused instructor.

    #globalblogging

  20. Well done. I don’t think I’ll ever try it, I hate all running, spinning, cycling, find it absolutely boring. No thanks. Give me a tennis racket, I could play till I drop. #globalblogging

  21. haha … hysterical. I love this. I am too afraid of spin class – it looks far too stressful and sweaty. I’m not a fan of sweating. Good for you though. Sorry for your husband! lol
    #globalblogging

  22. Brilliant! Sweaty vagina or not, I am mega impressed. An hour of a spin class is a major achievement. Well done. Pen x #globalblogging

  23. I’m with you – it’s utter torture but a weird one that you want to put yourself through again and again. Not that I have endured a spinning class for a good year or so, but I will again one day. Though I’d forgotten about the numb privates! I’ll think of you at Glasto this weekend when Ed Sheeran headlines on Sunday! You’d hate it! #globalblogging

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