They say nothing is impossible.
Try as I might, there are some things that I firmly believe might be an impossible task for my children, (aaaaand husband most times.) No matter how many techniques I try, how many tears I shed or hairs I pull out while screaming the top of my exasperated lungs, the following task list is clearly an impossibility. Unfortunately I am a super type A person and therefore cannot let any of this shit go, so complain I will do.
Flushing The Toilet.
Whyyyyyyyy can’t anyone flush the damn toilet around here. We have three levels to our home, all with bathrooms. It could be days at a time before I ever reach the lower level of our house. Therefore children, if you pee in the basement bathroom and then refuse to flush your wee wee- IT WILL SMELL. Please flush the potties. While we are at it…let’s wipe those tushies at a 100%. You are girls…not boys. Clean hoo-hoos are happy hoo-hoos.
Staying Asleep In Your Beds.
Our dreaded nighttime routine got an entire blog post….it is that intense folks. You can read all about it at Musical McCarthy Bedtime. There is not a night that goes by where I am not stumbling into the twins room to bring them water or crawl around in the dark looking for a rogue pacifier. (How has no one come up with glow in the dark pacis yet?) Every night the middle child delicately crawls into our bed and then morphs into the most psychotic ninja sleeper you have ever seen. Nighttime is painful on so many levels around here.
Eating ANYTHING That Took Longer Than 12 Minutes To Prepare
“Here family, I made you this beautiful rack of lamb tonight with a side of roasted root veggies and homemade muffins.”
Their response: withering and flailing in their seats as they cry out that mom is trying to poison them. Crappy chicken nuggets in the shape of dinosaurs and little mini muffins that can literally SIT in the pantry for years without any change…Hooray!
Why must they hate me for trying to step up my parenting game? Do they not know how much effort it takes these days to prepare a nice meal? No they do not….because they are kids.
Husband gets a pass on this one. He will eat anything I put in front of him and then ask for more.
Laundry In The Basket Please!
The laundry gets thrown onto the bedroom floors. The clothes get wadded up and shoved in the darkest corners of closets. Pants and shirts get tossed onto the closet floor directly next to the laundry basket. That is not cool. I know you allllll saw your undies hit the basket edge and fall to the floor! You people probably just shrugged and walked away. Put.Your.Crap.In.The.Basket. The family member most guilty of this would be the hubs. Everyday for fifteen years the socks and boxers get tossed right NEXT to the laundry basket. Heaven knows I have bitched up a storm over this issue for the past fifteen years…no change. It simply is not humanly possible him him and his spawn to hit the basket.
Get In The Car An Leave On The First Try
Never EVER can we load up the car and pull out of the driveway. My husband always has to go back into the house right when we are about to pull about. Again, I am really a type A kind of chick so I damn well know everything has been turned off and all doors have been locked. Sometimes he forgets his keys or his wallet, which makes me insane because the keys and wallet should be the most important items to remember right behind the children! Sometimes he goes back in to play three more minutes of Clash Of Clans. He says that isn’t true…but I just know that it is.
My dad used to do this EXACT SAME THING and my mom, brother and I would go bat-shit crazy over it. Dad would rush us all into the car and believe me, he was loud and we would move! After we all got strapped into our seats in under a minute he would sit in the driver’s seat, fiddle with the radio and comb his hair, (which to this day has never ever moved out of place,) with a Goodie Brush that he kept in the center console. Basically this annoying habit has tortured and followed me throughout my entire life. I no longer have any faith that any man can step into a car and simply drive away.
These five things are evil spells that cannot be broken, this I am convinced of. No one will ever eat a home-cooked pork loin by choice, sleep through the night away from me, flush their pee pee, throw panties in the laundry basket or leave the house on the first try.
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