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Just A Walk In The Park

Confession:

I fucking hate the park, really I hate the playground.  I always have.  My children love, love looooooove the playground.  Any playground will do for them.  Given the choice between Disney World and the local playground, my money is on the slide.  My middle daughter was obsessed with the school playground.  She used to call it the “park-it.”  It was adorable, and the only thing likable about the hell that is the playground.

People will argue that the playground is awesome.  They will tell you that it will entertain your children for hours as you scroll through Facebook on a park bench.  They will try and convince you that it is a great space to meet new mom friends and bonus!  It’s free!  These people aren’t necessarily wrong, those things can indeed be true.  The problem is they forgot to mention the four thousand reasons that playgrounds are assholes.

We have an asshole right around the corner from us!  No joke.  We see it twice a day.  Yep.  The school playground.

Jesus Christ on a cracker it does give me problems that school playground.

pground

Downfall number one: It’s a mile to the nearest bathroom.  Either the schools are locked or the port-a-john is half a mile away.  It is a guarantee that someone will pee their pants at the park, maybe even shit themselves.  Went potty before you left the house?  Doesn’t matter.  All kids between the ages of 3 and 6 pee themselves at the park.

Second strike: The kids always want you to play WITH them.  No!  No.No.No.No.NO!  I don’t want to chase you on the play structure, play fairies or push you on the swings until I develop Tendinitis in both arms.  I want to sit on my ass for five seconds!  Go play with the gaggle of siblings I was gracious enough to birth for you.  I attempted the monkey bars once as a mom and I am pretty sure I tore most of the muscles in my upper body and looked like a giant asshole.  Lesson learned, mom’s not playing at the playground.

Third playground pitfall: You run into at least ten people that you know- but you can never remember their names.  Your kids have been in class together since kindergarten, yet you have no clue what the parent’s first name is!  Get it together and learn these bitches names Kristin.  Sheesh.

whats-your-name-again

The mother of all fuckers: Wood chips.  So many wood chips.  Every wood chip in the shoe warrants an epic meltdown, a sit down strike in the dirt, and a convincing that the offending wood chip is in fact gone for good.  Now go play for ten seconds before yet another wood chip finds its way into your sneaker and causes a repeat meltdown.

You would think the hike to the playground was the equivalent of crossing the God damn Sahara. It takes us a half hour to walk to the park (yes it should take eight minutes) and someone always wants to leave five minutes after we arrive, but only one of the four kids wants to leave.  The other three of course want to stay and the one angry, little, clinger is raising hell over leaving.  Because there always must be one.

Eventually angry clinger gets over her misery and goes to find some wood chips to ruin our lives with.  What’s this?   Everyone is playing nicely?  It can’t be.  Why the playground isn’t so bad after all!  Look at how nicely they are all playing together.  And just like that here come their friends.  Now they are all high on life for crying out loud.  A surprise park play date hooray!  Too bad we now have to leave in ten minutes to get home for dinner, or sports or God knows what.  Pulling the playground plug just got painful.  No one is going to be coming to my beck and call willfully.  They are going to put up a fight.  I know this drill.

“Come on kids.  Time to go home.”   They hear me loud and clear.  I know this because they run off in the opposite direction.  Now I get to chase them, screaming like a crazed banshee  in front of the other parents at the playground.  The big girls will eventually come but the toddlers will have to be dragged kicking and screaming.  And those two love that damn playground remember.  The scream, squirm, buck their tiny bodies as I try to strap them into the wagon and by the time I have gotten them to succumb (because I probably had to bribe them with cookies or mini muffins) the older girls have run off again.  Son of a bitch!

And the walk home begins.  It always feels longer (if you can even imagine that) on the way home doesn’t it.  No one is happy, especially not me.  The kids are hot, tired and hungry and dinner isn’t gonna make itself now is it?  No.

No it is not.

Blow me local playground.

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38 thoughts on “Just A Walk In The Park

  1. This is hilarious! Thankfully we have about 4 different playgrounds within about 5 miles of us. All have close restrooms, but some have absolutely no shade and I hate those darn woodchips.

  2. i hate play grounds too, there has to be somewhere to go where you can supervise your kids but not have to interact the whole time.
    Popping over from #TriumphantTales to say hi.

  3. Sign me up for the “Ban Wood Chips in Parks” Bandwagon. UGH!

    Our other problem is when we go with Dad he wants to play with our son, and then every other kid sees it and thinks “Oh a grown up to play. He doesn’t want to play with his kid he wants to play with me.”

    Thanks for sharing on #FridayFrivolity.

  4. Yes yes yes! I hear you. I hate the playground too. Although if I had to choose between the playground and soft play? The playground would edge it! Thank you for linking up to #TriumphantTales, hope to see you again on Tuesday 🙂

  5. Yep, the playground. We can’t walk to ours, but yet somehow I still always drive them there over and over again even though I know how it’s going to go down… Schmuck!

  6. I hated taking my daycare to the park. HATED it! Fucking wood chips. Things would end up in every orifice, splinters, the inevitable chip in the eye. Ugh. #GlobalBlogging

  7. SOOO with you here; at our local one there’s a big slide she insists on going on but because she’s still quite little I have to help her up, sprint down a slope to the bottom to catch her, then carry her up a load of steps back to the top again. For hours. #GlobalBlogging

  8. I feel your pain. My kids always end up getting stuck somewhere up high. And being the short arse that I am, I can never reach them. I end up squeezing myself through a lot of tight spaces to rescue them. It’s not fun! Thanks for linking up to #FridayFrolics

  9. I am yet to experience the playground and to be fair this week will be our first soft play experience… I’m dreading it… seriously. today a child had their back to Ben and he got so pissed off… I know playing will open up a whole kettle of fish that i just don’t want to face haha!
    Thank you for joining us at #TriumphantTales. I hope to see you back tomorrow

  10. I feel your pain! Aside from a quick push on the swings I hate it when they expect me to play with them and run around like some mad loon! Not cool.. and not ok children! The best thing about the park is taking a picnic, I can at least stuff my face whilst I wait… #GlobalBlogging

  11. I love the honesty here. 🙂 Hahaha. It’s so hard sometimes to encourage our children to love the childish things that we don’t love ourselves. I think it’s ok to let the kids be kids and just keep doing our adult thing. But I guess that may be because I have an infant who will just lay on the floor with a toy while I drink wine and watch Netflix.
    #globalblogging

  12. I love the honesty here. 🙂 Hahaha. It’s so hard sometimes to encourage our children to love the childish things that we don’t love ourselves. I think it’s ok to let the kids be kids and just keep doing our adult thing. But I guess that may be because I have an infant who will just lay on the floor with a toy while I drink wine and watch Netflix.
    #globalblogging

  13. Our local park thankfully doesn’t have any wood chips, but we moved to a house in the woods a few years back….oh the things they drag home from being in there lol. #globalblogging

  14. Oh my gosh – this is so right on! We have a park across the road but the kids want to go the one 2 blocks away so much more! Getting there takes FOREVER and there’s no shade there, so we’re hot before we even get there. It’s a school yard and there are no benches or areas for mom to sit and scroll Facebook. I can’t stand taking them there. But the park across the street can be attended without Mom most of the time now, so that’s a HUGE accomplishment!
    ~Jess
    #GlobalBlogging

  15. Very funny. We don’t have wood hips or sand…some strange sponge asphalt. I just can’t stand watching my kids defy gravity and misuse the equipment. I’d like to pretend they keep their feet on solid ground.

  16. I didn’t mind taking my kids to the park, all that running around and fresh air was great for tiring them out so they were much more peaceful at home but I definitely don’t miss it now that they have grown out of the swings and slides. #globalblogging

  17. Are you living my life? We have not one but 2 horrendous parks within walking distance from our house that I am forced to take my kids to on a daily basis. Each one of my four kids has pissed themselves at these parks multiple times. Thanks God it’s not just me!
    #globalblogging

  18. haha … I love this! I am so glad we don’t have one of those park/playground hell holes near us. It would be the same scenario for me. My eldest would likely try to kill herself by attempting something she’s physically incapable of, and the youngest would cry every time a bee was within a 15 meter radius of her. Hell!
    #globalblogging

  19. Wood chips, ugh – a serious thorn in my side (literally).
    In regards to the bathrooms? If I’m going to hike to the bathroom, we are hiking right on to our car. “The bathroom is closed today. Guess we have to head home.”

    #globalblogging

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