Kid TV Isn’t Eating My Child’s Brain…It Is Eating MINE!

I have spent

NINE YEARS watching kids’ shows.  They all have one thing in common…

 

They all suck.

Without further adieu…here are the suckiest of the sucky…

 

Caillou

caillou

This little brat gets the number one spot for allllll good reasons.  Really, have you ladies ever met anyone who did NOT want to murder this asshat?  He is whiny, he is bald, he teaches your kids to pout, and the show only contains primary colors that blind you.  He is evil and will eat your brain. Although I hate him and I have never actually exposed my children to him…I cannot stop watching him.  I cannot look away.  Someone out there thought this was a GREAT idea for a kids show.  What a scary world we live in… right now there are people roaming the universe who actually like him.  They must be stopped.  He is a whiny little gremlin.  Poor Gilbert the Cat!  She is the real victim here.  I live for the day that Gilbert totally loses it and scratches Caillou’s eyes out.  A girl can dream…

 

Gabba Gabba

gabba

Ok.  Let’s get real.  There was a time many moons ago where I would have had a few too many shots with college roommates sitting on our ratty old couch at 152 Durand Street and looooooved this show.  I mean what is even happening right here?  DJ Lance and his furry orange hat!  The songs, the dances…PLEASE if you have not watched this gem slam three drinks of your choice and Utube it…then get back to me.   If you live in a state where they have had the sense to legalize marijuana- well…you know what to do.  The worst part is I am singing the “You Have To Brush Your Teeth” song in my head right NOW as I type.  This show will warp you…in a bad way or good way I don’t even know anymore.

 

Thomas The Train

thomas

So perfect.  Look at that pouty face.  Thomas and his bitch-ass gang are alllllllll about the faces.  I can not watch this show without busting into laughter at the faces.  The pouty face…the surprise face…the angry face.  Oh Trains you are so emotional that I have devoted an entire blog post to your stupid hilarity.  See Trains of Our lives.  Really I get into this show.  It’s such a soap opera over there on the little island of Sodar.  Emily Train and her know-it-all snotty attitude.  Sir Top-Em-Hat the big boss man and of course Thomas, the head idiot.

 

Max and Ruby- What is up with these two?  I get it Ruby- Max is a nightmare and it is all on you…but must you use that passive and tired voice all of the time!?!  Kick Max’s ass dammit!  He is clearly out of control…or unmedicated.  Your parents obliviously give zero f**ks about either you- no one has had EVER even seen them in an episode.  They peaced out most likely after you spoke your first prissy word and took one look at Max.  Buh-bye bunnies!  Mommy and Daddy do not love you.  Only your poor Grammy is there and I think she is drunk.

 

Peppa The Pig- 

peppa

OH PEPPA!   Another whiney little bi-atch here to ruin your day.  First of all every time those pigs snort beer flies out of my nose.  Really it is so damn funny.  As I am typing this I am watching Grandpa Pig passed out on his boat while all the kiddies wait for him onshore to get his act together.  NO ONE CAN WAKE HIM.  He is drunk!  Grandma Pig called him a naughty pig.  OMG I CAN’T.  Is this for real?  Don’t get me started on that clueless Daddy Pig.

“Daddy Pig…the grass is getting a wee but long.”

“Oh I LIKE IT LONG.   LONG GRASS IS WONDERFUL!”

No No NOOOOOOOO Daddy Pig!  Cut.The.Grass.Already! If Grandpa Pig has to come over and cut that grass one more time dammit… it’s a slab of bacon for you daddy.

 

Winnie The Pooh-

download

 I had not watched Winnie in YEARS…like twenty…and then I watched it with the babies.  OMG.  Winnie is cognitively impaired!  He has MAYBE an IQ of 58..maybe.  I watched him try and figure out how to scrounge honey from the giant tree and I just kept thinking…Nope…Winnie….You lose.  Even as his face was being eaten off my one hundred bees he did not give a bother!  As the episode went on Winnie continued to scour the Earth for honey.  He knew EXACTLY WHERE TO GO.  Rabbit’s house!  Rabbit let him in…dumbass…and that Pooh annihilated all of the honey in the rabbit hole.  Hmmmm on second thought maybe his IQ is in the high 60’s…he might be a total stoner too.  Oh Winnie!

 

 

These shows are only wonderful when you are a little stoned or completely wasted…I am a mom so I am neither…which makes them SUCK.

 

DomesticatedMomster

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Sincerely, Paula
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4 thoughts on “Kid TV Isn’t Eating My Child’s Brain…It Is Eating MINE!

  1. For real!!! I have 4 kids, each 2 years apart, so I had almost a decade of these shows in our home. Now that they’re a little older I’m grateful when they watch something like “Teen Titans” because at least it’s actually funny and infinitely better than Thomas and Barney.

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