This cross country road trip has certainly been packed full of amazing sights, incredible experiences and an abundance of pleasant family memories that will hopefully sustain me through my darker parenting moments.
Now let us be blunt.
Just because the overwhelming majority of this trip has been positive and glorious, that is not to say there haven’t been moments of whining, crying, fighting and downright bullshit. Let’s take a looksie of a few of the less pleasant (but still kind of funny) McCarthy road trip moments.
Outtake 1- Mom Loses Her Shit in Kansas
Peaceful picture of the American plains right?
Not quite. This here is the scene of mom’s first road trip meltdown. Driving through nothingness for hours on end at 75 miles an hour, past giant trucks and no road shoulder to rely on for safety apparently makes this mommy a jittery, screaming banshee. I was sure we would drive off of the road, flip several times in field and burst into flames.
That didn’t happen.
What did happen was night fell and still we drove on through blackness for hours relying on our Google GPS. We lost the signal for the better part of an hour and had no idea where we were or where we were heading. Lucky for my husband I had already logged many boring-ass hours prior to this “deadzone” staring at the map counting down the miles until we hit Lamar, Colorado.
I became a certified Google GPS Roadmap Rainman.
See I so come in handy on road trips!
Outtake 2 – Cliffs and Stomach Flu Take Mom Down
Ouray, Colorado is seriously one of the most beautiful places in the country, this I am sure of.
Other things I am sure of: Being less that two feet from plunging to my death off of a rocky cliff while driving around sharp bends makes me insane. Here is where I suffered a full blown panic attack. I cried. I begged my husband to drive one mile an hour. I even tried to convince him to let me off ON THE CLIFF’s EDGE and let me walk against the jagged rocks, molding my body to the mountain and shimmying 80 miles home.
Goodbye rationality and hello f*cking cray cray!
I also managed to come down with the wicked stomach bug on the car ride of death.
Outtake 3 – Dammit Deadwood! Why do you only have one cool stick!?
Yep. Apparently the land of actual dead WOOD….like stick city…only has one cool stick. When you have twins this is a big ass problem. We walked into town for some fun, food and shopping only to realize that none of us had the will to make it back home. No taxis and no Uber meant we would all be hiking back up the mountain whining and bitching.
Libby scored a mighty good walking stick which she happily rode around pretending it was a broom. Hazel felt jipped. No other stick would do for her. Her life was clearly ruined. See photos for a better depiction of this shit show in action.
Hazel is not happy about her sister’s stick score.
Every other stick offering is making me furious and this is what I will do for the next half hour as we climb a giant ass hill on our way home.
This bullshit pretender stick is about to become a weapon. Look.At.Her.Face.
Hazel has decided to really give it to the pretender stick and just flipping eat it. Take that stick of crap!
So we trudged up the hill carrying kids and sticks with bite marks in them with burning thighs and scowling faces. No more walking to town for the McCarthys…also no more sticks.
Outtake 4- Mom Evades Blindness…but Only Barely
Ten minutes before this picture was taken I stabbed myself in the eye with eyeliner when Sam took a sharp turn too fast. It hurt, my eye was red and slightly swollen. I am sure I swore a blue streak up.
I love a good social media compliment, for real who doesn’t? Here is the deal: I have had a whole lot of time to play with my hair and make up in the car….like sixty hours thus far. When I am not handing kids toys and snacks I am playing with my hair and face because that is about all I have to do. Just remember anytime I post a cutie vacation selfie it’s because just spent three consecutive hours googling and attempting Aspirin masks, contouring, highlighting and braiding. I have found several filters that make me look like I have minimal wrinkles and skin as soft as a baby’s bootie.
Outtake #5 Our car smells like vomit.
Well here is little Libs standing nakey on the side of a random road with her garbage bag filled with pukey belongings. Oh yeah! Right outside of Sturgis we looked behind us to see her produce a massive fountain of regurgitated eggs, cheese and tomatoes. Her twin of course felt left out and started dry heaving. My husband panicked. Come to think of it I don’t think he has had to deal with car puke for nearly a decade. I laughed so hard at the whole fiasco tears were running down my face.
So we have two more nights in Minnesota and 18 hours of driving left before we reach home sweet home. Come on McCarthys…finish strong!