When I was in my early twenties I took the GRE Test in order to complete my application for graduate school. I scored exceptionally high in the vocabulary department. You would never know that these days though. For the past ten years I have relied on a sampling of simple words and commands that now comprise about 75% of my everyday vocabulary. Luckily this whole blogging experience seems to have reignited that whole dormant section of my brain that recalls and uses words consisting of more than four letters. So that has been kind of nice. I guess it really is true, if you don’t use it…you lose it.
Here are the primary words that my mommy vocabulary is comprised of:
No. All day, every day.
No! Don’t bite!
No! Don’t paint with cottage cheese!
No thank you. I do NOT want to hold your booger for you kid!
I probably say no 10,000 times each day…maybe more. I also say this word 10,000 times each night when my husband is trying to get frisky with me and I am too tired to move, or to say any other words.
Stop. There are quite a few variations of “stop” in regards to inflection. Still it is right up there with “no” as one of the words that I say most often.
Stop! Don’t run into the road!
Stop annoying your sister.
STOP annoying me!
Stop, splashing, running, coloring on the walls, eating non edible items and please STOP pretending like you do not hear me telling you to do something.
Don’t. Don’t tell me you hate this dinner that I made for you when you have ate it joyfully TWO DAYS AGO!
Don’t even think about telling me that you have homework five minutes before we walk out the door for school.
Don’t ask for a snack five seconds before dinner or five seconds after dinner, (that shit drives me up the damn wall.)
Don’t dump sand over your head, don’t ask me to find your hamburger Shopkin at 8:30 at night.
Asking these things of mommy are borderline evil and downright heartbreaking…. so DON’T
Eat. Life is busy and daddy is working. PLEASE EAT YOUR DINNER. Eat it a bit more quickly little darlings. We simply do not have three hours to push peas around the plate.
Eat your breakfast! It is a waffle. It has plenty of butter and syrup, it is NOT too hot nor too cold. The damn waffle is heavenly carbohydrate perfection. It is EXACTLY what you asked for little lovies…so I am gonna need you to EAT THAT SHIT KIDS!
Go Play. Seriously guys. We literally birthed an entire army of you kids so that you were never lonely. Why are you all hovering around my legs while I am desperately trying to throw a crappy dinner together? GO PLAY! What is that you say? You have nothing to do? That is downright hilarious little munchkins.
Go play in the 3,000 plus square feet of house that your dad and I work our asses off to keep us in.
Go play with four million Shopkins, Barbies, My Little Ponies and Peppa Pig dolls that we break down and buy you every time we bolt into Meijers for a gallon of milk.
Swing set, trampoline, sandbox? None of those work for you kids? Well that is just great. Of all the games and toys that you could play with you always seem to choose the worst game of all…better known as drive-mom-bat-shit-crazy-game.
Wait. I know that you small humans seriously hate this word, but it really is an essential life skill. Sometimes you must WAIT for what you want or need. You will not die if you wait two minutes for a second glass of milk. I promise. You will not burst into flames if I do not address your babble immediately when I am engaged in an adult conversation.
Please WAIT for one minute while I wipe my fanny! I am literally peeing for the first time today…so whatever you need, it can f**king wait.
If I am on the phone then you better WALK AWAY GIRLS. Your tattling can wait. I have not spoken to another grown up on the phone in roughly two weeks. So take a number.
Wait a second kids. I have fifty pounds of laundry in my shaking arms. I kind of feel like putting Barbie’s hooker high heel back on is not an emergency. Your tone indicates that it is, I really do beg to differ though.
Occasionally I use some fancy words like:
and clean up your mess.
Aside from these key phrases though, not a lot else is coming out of my mouth these days…except curse words. Lord knows they fly all day long.