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My High Expectations Are Killing My Marriage

Aim for the stars.

Never settle for less than the best.

Set your sights high girl.

 

These female empowerment mantras are slowly killing my marriage.

 

Allow me to back up just a titch here:  Perhaps my marriage isn’t dying persay, but the high expectations that I have placed upon my spouse are definitely not helping matters around here.  You see when it comes to domesticity I am a champion.  I can chop veggies, help with homework, pack lunches and talk on the phone all at the same time.  I swear I can fold laundry with my toes while hot gluing school projects together and breaking up a sister fight all at once.  In the span of one hour I can run approximately twelve errands on opposing sides of town.  Having four young kids and a mountain of household chores and daily tasks has forced me to become the ultimate multi-tasker.  This here is my jam, my talent, and apparently my marital curse.

My husband, as good of a father as he may be, will never be the badass multi-tasking parent that I have become and it annoys me.  In turn I annoy him.  Somewhere down the line I have created a beast…the beast is me.  I expect myself to run ragged attending to daily life, and dammit I expect the same of him.  If I can do it why can’t he?

Because he simply can’t.  And the why isn’t even relevant or important.

What is important is recognizing (once and for all) that he is who he is and he is going to do things differently than I.  When he cooks dinner that is exactly what he is doing.  In fact that is what I asked of him:

Cook dinner.  

He does what he is asked (told,) so why am I perpetually pissed off all of the time?  Well, when I cook dinner ninety-nine percent of the time I am alone with no adult assistance in sight.  My dinner prep must always include homework help, packing for sports, doing dishes, wiping counters and making school lunches.  Basically anything that might be done near within the kitchen vicinity is going into dinner prep. Then once in a blue moon my husband comes home are strewn about because like most normal people he plans to clean up the kitchen after dinner.  Because my busy, multitasking mind does things in such an opposite manner to watch him take over makes me insane.  How is he not cleaning as he goes?  Really…is he mental?

No Kristin…you are.

The expectations I have set for myself and then set upon my partner will always make him look like less..

I have screwed him, and not in the way he would prefer to be screwed.

I ask him to pick up the playroom.  He does just that.  He doesn’t see the fight breaking out twelve feet away from him or the mess on the dining room table…because he is picking up the damn playroom just like I asked.  All the while I am miffed because he is only doing one thing at once.  Again my expectations can’t be met.  I have set the bar so incredibly high that he needs a damn rocket ship to reach them.  These unattainable expectations make me look like a perpetual bitch to him and to me he looks like a sloth wading through peanut butter.

This is not good folks.  For years I saw the problem as his problem.

He can’t…

He won’t…

He doesn’t…

 

Please read on HERE at Parent Co and I would greatly appreciate any facebook shares you can spare on this particular post.

 

 

 

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41 thoughts on “My High Expectations Are Killing My Marriage

  1. My husband is exactly the same way! He has been this way since we met nearly 11 years ago. To cope, I write him detailed to-do lists and accept that is just how he thinks. He is never going to just start dusting the living room or sweeping the floor. I even have to remind him to take the trash can to the road and bring it back again…and he has been doing that same thing twice a week (on the same two days) for years. However, he is loving and is there for me when I need him. He just is an awful housekeeper!

  2. I generally think most men are not the greatest at multitasking. I’ve decided to make my brain less likely to envision murder that I’ll assign Hubster the tedious tasks that I hate doing. He makes the bed like a champion, I just toss sheets as I sprint on to the next task. It’s the little things that keep the marriage moving! #GlobalBlogging

  3. I can completely understand! I was the same way and found it hard that my hubby didn’t multitask too. I had to really change my mindset and now I accept that housework isn’t his forte! Bless him!

    Thanks for linking up to #Blogstravaganza xx

  4. Oh Kristin, I’m right there with you. After I read this, I have changed my way of thinking when I rage clean. I used to get SO MAD at my husband when he was left home with the kids & I’d return to a filthy house.
    Why didn’t he clean? (I clean up after every mess they make)
    How dare he be relaxed in the recliner while there are dirty dishes in the sink? (I cannot stomach dirty dishes just sitting there)
    Why isn’t he as stressed out as I am? (He’s so laid back & I’m…just NOT)

    But he was doing what I asked him to! Men just don’t multi-task like we do. So I’m just going to have to chill out OR make him a detailed list of what I need him to do!

  5. This is so true! When I’ve finished dinner, it’s on the table and the kitchen is clean. When my other half does it dinner is on the table, but the kitchen is a tip! I can;t stand it! Thanks so much for sharing with #Blogstravaganza xx

  6. This is so exactly me. In fact I’m scheduling this to share on my FB page tomorrow. I don’t know why I can’t just let him be “him”. Why do I need him to be a further extension of me? And how does all the clutter on every surface (including the floor) not compel him to just tidy it up??
    ~Jess
    #GlobalBlogging

  7. Its a man thing lovely…actually its a boy thing as my teenage son is the same. I think we know that after tea we have to clear up so we do it as we go along….Im just the same and it annoys hubbie too! Mind you, with teenagers and depleting hormones, I’m more full of rage than ever! WILL ANYONE CLEAR UP AFTER THEMSELVES!!!! AHHHHH And calm…..great post. #Globalblogging

  8. How funny. We are badasses! I think when we are alone we have to do everything but unless we go away and leave them with the kids on their own, they will never experience it. I’m the same, when my husband does her bath, he goes to get things ready and prepares the bath and lays everything out for after because I’m there and only when he’s done that does he come and get her. When I’m on my own I take her and do it all with her and then come and clean up after dinner. #GlobalBlogging

  9. Oh my this post made me laugh, several times in fact! It sounds oh so familiar. Glad I am not alone and thanks for the reminder of perspective. I married my husband because, well, as it turns out opposites do attract. He balances me out. My crazy pace, multitasking nature is reminded that we CAN just sit sometimes and its going to be okay.

  10. I don’t think they were given the multitasking gene! My OH is happy to do jobs around the house as long as someone else does the preparation and clean up (the hardest parts) it is very annoying! #globalblogging

  11. Great post Kristin! I used to get annoyed at my husband too for his untidiness, and that was before we had kids! I still do most of the housework but I guess that’s fair enough as I am a SAHM. When it comes to the kids he takes on his fair share of the workload without being asked, and I’ve learnt over the years to let go and slow down with him.
    Did you come across that cartoon a few weeks ago about women’s mental load?
    #Triumphanttales

  12. Haha, it’s pretty similar in my house too. Word of advice, ditch things like ironing, they are NOT important!

    Thank you for linking up with us on #FabFridayPost

  13. I think we are all the same. We’re at home sorting the kids out and the house and all the tasks. We have had to learn to cope with it all. I try to take a step back now but every now and again I will be pretty annoyed if something hasn’t been done. #TriumphantTales

  14. I used to get crazy when I would ask my husband to take out the washing and it would be all askew on the line, with one peg in the middle. I would say you need to hang it like this and shake it and do this and do that, and in the end I thought – who else is lucky enough that their husband helps with the chores? Not many husbands do, and mine does, so if the washing is askew on the line its ok…it will still dry! Great post!

  15. Yes yes Yes! This is just like us. I am a psycho multi taster on speed and I just expect him to do the same. he will come home and make dinner without me even having to ask which is awesome but I get rage because he can’t load the dishwasher wipe up and put the ingredients away before he serves! like you I feel I need to chill the eff out a little x #fabfridaypost

  16. This is so true and well done for recognising it. I recognised it ages ago and it literally saved my partner’s life as I was sure I was going to kill him one day. Then I became disabled and now he has to do practically everything. NOTHING has been done properly since and I could scream, but instead I stay calm (99% of the time) and realise that 1. nobody has been poisoned 2. the house hasn’t burnt down 3. everyone is fed and clean 4. The kids get to school on time. Nothing else really matters. Nothing else really matters is my mantra. I do hope that if I say it often enough one day I’ll believe it.

  17. I feel you with the multi-tasking. I don’t get why its so hard for Hubby to do it!!! Like when its his turn to get up early, I come down and barely anything has been done… whereas me… flick the kettle on and whilst thats boiling do other bits… BOOM two things at once! Simple!
    Thank you for sharing this with us at #TriumphantTales. I hope to see you back next week!

  18. That is so true! I used to be the same way with my ex-husband and it caused a lot of fights. It wasn’t the reason we split up but it did cause a lot of unnecessary stress that neither of us needed. I didn’t even realize it at the time so It’s good to see that you do see it and recognize it. We all have to work on cutting our partners some slack for the simple reason that we have to be able to recognize they aren’t us. #anythinggoes

  19. Oh LORD!!!!!!!!!!!!! This is genius!! You have spoken to every woman’s heart!. Why on earth aren’t they (men) as brilliant as we are :)… “a sloth wading through peanut butter” haha! LOVE that vision. Absolutely freak-in true! #globalblogging

  20. This is familiar. Chris has the added pressure that he arrived on the family scene late so was very much a bachelor. I have to leave specific instructions otherwise he doesn’t do things, for example: I left him in charge of the kids and when I got home I asked what snack they’d eaten and he replied I hadn’t told him to get one, but he’d made sure he had eaten one… #globalblogging

  21. I love it whenever someone gets brave enough to point out stuff like this! And yes, I want people to do things, but to do them MY way…even though when someone else asks me to do something, I’m going to do IT my way, too! #FridayFrivolity

  22. I feel like I could have typed this out – although I am not married haha. I chucked all the washing downstairs earlier, and my other half was sat about 3 feet away watching and not picking it up/transferring it to the machine. I said “are you not going to help?” he said, “Oh, you didn’t ask”. It gets on my nerves! I didn’t ask?! Nobody bloody asked me to do it in the first place, I just did. I now end up giving him a list of things to do, and I am confident he will do them but I just have to make sure I tell him before I go insane. #stayclassymama

  23. This is such a great post, and oh boy, you sound like a multi tasking machine! The highest of high fives to you, because you are totally working it. I used to be the same, although not as quick I think. But, two words, burn out. It’s so hard doing everything all the time. I have no idea how you keep up. In the end for me, I had to let things slip a bit and give hubby a chance too 🙂 #DreamTeam xx

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