My Life Is Crap: The Joys Of Potty Training Twins

No really, it is literally crap right now.

We are in the thick of potty training our twins, and it has been an entire month of human feces and tears… my tears, not theirs.

Why did this seem so much easier with my first two daughters?  Oh right, because it WAS easier.  The first reason is the obvious reason, there was one little pee machine to train at a time.  Aside from that the big girls went to daycare full time.  Daycare does not mess around with potty training.  Those tiny bums are planted on little potties every thirty minutes and the kids were potty trained by the time I picked them up at 5 pm.  The twins are not daycare babies, which leaves this whole thing up to yours truly.  This last month has left me wondering if I should fork over 400 big ones a week just to not have to keep at this parenting treat.

But that’s silly, (kind of.)  I will say that we have made progress in the potty department, but it has come at a price.  My life has become crap…and pee pee…and laundry…and carpet cleaning.  Yet this must get done by fall!  The twins are headed to preschool come hell or high water and they apparently have to be underwear clad to do so.  The pressure is on.  Here is what this fiasco looks like in the delightful world of potty training twinnies:

Buckets of feces everywhere.  Two trainers equals two little potties.  The twins really enjoy carrying their prized poo poos and pee pees around the house, which is both messy and disgusting.  We basically have a chamber pot everywhere you turn.  I’ll give you one guess who the chambermaid is.  Just add it to my ever growing list of titles I never thought I would never have.

Potty training makes me a little bit fat.  Potty treats are ruining my life as well as my body.  We all know the timeless trick of bestowing the little potty queens with an M & M for their hard work, but these potty treats are getting our of hand now.  I swear the twins squeak out a drip of wee just so that they can earn a piece of chocolate.  I spend about 90% of my non Chambermaid time passing out potty treats and then mindlessly eating them myself.  I’ve gained five pounds since we starting this non-diapered journey.  The twins have made me downright weak in my resolve to stick to ONE M & M per peepee.  It is equally amazing and terrifying to think about how easily they can finagle five M & M’s for one solitary tinkle.  This phase has really highlighted their manipulation and persistence traits.

The bathroom is our new home.  Then there is the timing of it all.  The girls have been synchronized in nearly everything since their first breaths, must have something to do with that whole sharing DNA thing.  To my recollection going to the bathroom is the one function that they can’t yet sync up.  I am clocking double bathroom hours compared to what I put in with my older girls.   This means that anytime we are out in public one twin needs to go potty, but the other is a half hour behind, so 30 minutes later the cycle repeats itself.  Have you ever eaten your meal in a public bathroom?  I have.

King of the mountain is our new favorite game.  Remember the game King of The Mountain?  The one where you tried to oust the person off the tippy top of some dirt hill?  Yeah, we play that pretty often here, only the girls are hurling each other off of whatever potty is highly coveted for that particular day.  The girls literally dive and tackle each other to get to the potty first, (which is ironic and annoying considering they never both actually have to go.)

Then there is the constant nakedness.  The twins have sacrificed all items of clothing in the name of potty training.  I take that back, one twin wears her “sparkle shoes” all day long, nothing else…just the shoes.  Every time the UPS man comes to the door I feel like I owe him some sort of explanation as to why my children are running around nude and slightly unkept at 2 in the afternoon every day.  God I hope he doesn’t call CPS.  I’m sure they would understand the situation, but it would still be mortifying.

Needless to say this is one of those unpleasant stages of parenthood where you start to firmly believe it may never come to pass.  I take comfort in knowing this is our last hurrah with the potty training stage.  This will be over and we can move forth with all kinds of other unpleasant stages…like puberty.


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14 thoughts on “My Life Is Crap: The Joys Of Potty Training Twins

  1. LMAO, I love it. At one point in my life, I had 3 girls in diapers. A 2 year old, who I was trying to potty train, a 1 year old, and an infant. It was amazing-not really. Holy crap what a lot of work lol. My kids also loved to where nothing but cowboy boots for a whole winter once lol.

  2. Hysterical and inducing many memories…in a PTSD kind of way, but still memories! Good luck girl! I hope you make it to the other side. I’d sure pee on the spot for an m&m. It’s a talent, but I would do it. We were very lucky with Big. She just woke up one day and said, no more diapers! That was it end of story. Little on the other hand, was trouble, capital T. Accidents, spills, splats, plops…no bribe worked. Best of luck to you through this very shitty time of motherhood. xoxo

  3. Oh my goodness, I can’t imagine having to potty train 2 at the same time. Bless you! Thank you Kristin for sharing this post at the #WednesdayAIMLinkParty. I shared it on social media.

  4. Hahaha! This is brilliant! I’m struggling enough just trying to make one little girl wee on the potty rather than the floor – I take my hat off to you!
    Thanks so much for linking up at #KCACOLS. Hope you come back again next Sunday

  5. Oh, wow, I don’t miss this time! I once got handed a handful of poo whilst I was on an important call – I thought it was chocolate cake, but sadly, it wasn’t. I had to keep a professional voice on the phone but in mind, I was freaking out!!!

    Thanks for sharing – usually kids get used to it sooner rather than later but for us, that time of cleaning, changing, wiping, praising is tiresome and long! Good luck, Mrs!


    Thanks for linking up to #AnythingGoes

  6. My goodness it’s hard enough Potty training one left alone two at the same time! I really don’t envy you! But like you say it will all be over before you know it! #KCACOLS

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