In college my cousin had two ferrets. I remember her telling me that those furry-clawed demons really enjoyed stealing shiny objects and hiding them. Of all the information that should have filled my brain during my five years at university THAT is what stuck with me.
Fast forward a decade plus some and I still think about those ferrets on the daily…because I birthed the human equivalent. Three year old twins are like ferrets on fucking steroids. I can not even believe the stuff they pilfer and hide. The good news is that should another massive depression hit us anytime soon we will be just fine so long as they lead us around the house to their many stashes of food.
Here are some of the random finds as of late:
The other day I found a packet of oatmeal in my underwear drawer. A packet of apple-freaking-cinnamon oatmeal! How? Why? Stop.
They have hidden a potato in a decorative box…. by the time I found it, it was sprouting. Gross? Absolutely. Did I remove it immediately from their grip? No. I snapped a picture for social media.
Yesterday they snagged a bag of apples from the fridge, took one bite from each and scattered the apples (as well as chewed up apple skins) all over the house. There was some in the toy box and one under a pillow in my bed. I’m truly hoping I have located them all because that shit will rot.
Four bottle caps in the doll house. When I threw them away Libby bawled her eyes out because those were her “friends.” Fuck dolls. Who needs them when you can have bottle caps? As of right this minute we will be switching over to canned beer.
A box of Cheeze-Its behind the arm chair in the den….along with the twins shoveling the processed crap into their jaws as fast as they could.
The whole sleeve of Pringles dumped into the twins’ doll house. Where is the asshole dog when you really need him?
Two crayons shoved into a one twin’s nighttime diaper. I’m sure that was super comfy.
A can of chicken noodle soup lying on my pillow as I opened my eyes to another fun filled day of parenting. Note to self: Feed the children.
Toothpaste in the microwave- thank you assholes of U Tube for convincing my ten year old budding scientist that microwaved toothpaste will create the BEST slime ever.
A plethora of My Little Pony dolls in my bed. The whole gang was there to bid me good night.
Toddler undies in the silverware drawer. I am assuming that they were clean but just in case I will be rewashing all spoons today…because of COURSE I have nothing better to do.
A baby blankie in the freezer. Even peas need some cuddling.
Well I can’t wait to see what tomorrow will bring…