I’d like to think that music is in my blood. My dad has been a drummer for half a century, maybe more. He still plays to this day with his band of jammin’ grandpas (adorable, I know.) My brother is a croonster in Colorado, (shameless plug Robby Overfield- check him out! He is so amazing.) Then there is me. I can’t hold a tune and even when I try to sing along to the radio I f*ck up the lyrics horribly. Nevertheless I love music. I grew up listening to Steely Dan, The Eagles, Heart, Jimi Hendrix, Steve Windwood, and all things Motown. These iconic artists are the soundtrack to every family vacation memory that I possess.
Fast forward decades later. I now spend roughly 70% of my life in my car listening to shit music. My girls love themselves some pop radio and after I hear a new Taylor Swift song for the 800th time in a week I pretty much want to drive my vehicle into the nearest tree just to shut her ass up. Why don’t I just give the girls the same line my dad gave me when I was their age begging for New Kids on The Block and Debbie Gibson?
“When you drive your own car you can pick the radio station.”
The answer is I’m weak in comparison to dad and I choose One Direction over four crying and screaming girls most of the time.
Here are the songs that have been slowly eating their way through my brain matter lately.
Ok. I have to admit, I really liked this song for awhile. When it first came out I found myself bopping along to it on my way to Target. Now it just angers me. Don’t tell me you “ain’t never getting older” Chainsmokers. Yes you are. We all are and getting older sucks. Stop rubbing it in that you bitches aren’t “there” yet. While we are on this subject I really don’t want to hear your new song about smoking on balconies in Paris. Truth be told I am jealous of you. carefree youngsters I want to show up looking all hot in a Rover and smoke on Paris balconies dammit! It’s just not fair.
Taylor Swift and Zayn Malik- I Don’t Want To Live Forever
Honestly this song is everything I hate about the universe. First off this is a DUO with Taylor and a One Direction-er, basically this is Millennial hell. We get it guys: You miss your lover. Let’s be honest though, you probably got in a text fight over something stupid and haven’t talked in three hours. Cue angsty break up- please come back song. Zayn- you are singing in a tone so high that only dogs can hear you. What the hell are you even saying! One more thing guys, the line about you just calling your lover’s name over and over and over again until they return is stupid and pointless. Just freaking text her already Zayn.
Ed Sheeran- Shape Of You
Ed I want to like you, really I do. I come damn close when you sing your sweet love ballads, but then you throw in sexy songs like this and I am immediately reminded that you are kind of a creepster. My dear Ed you rule the friendzone and therefore you can’t be singing hook up sings without causing my gag reflex to tremor. This song kills me from the very first line:
The club isn’t the best place to find a lover
So the bar is where I go
Creepy. You are admitting that you have to be where the girls are shitfaced in order to have a fighting chance at getting laid. Then here throws this out:
And last night you were in my room
And now my bedsheets smell like you
Gross Ed. You are singing about stinky sex sheets and I can’t deal with that right now. Stop being a dirt bag and wash them. Also, cut your hair.
Machine Gun Kelley and Camillia Cabello.
When I first heard this song I rolled my eyes at the guy trying to sound like Jay Z. There is only one Jay Z asshole. Anyways out of curiosity I googled him.
OMG! He is white as snow, his name is Richard and he is from Ohio.
Anyways the song is pretty simple. They like sex. That’s it. Very original there Richard.
(I did read that he bought a home for his kid’s mom and his daughter with his earnings. That is pretty stand up. Props for that move.)
Ariana Grande – Side To Side
God she is dumb. She looks dumb, she sounds dumb and lines like this confirm the obvious:
I’m talkin’ to ya
See you standing over there with your body
As opposed to standing somewhere without your body? Ugh. Stupid.
Then there’s this:
I’ve been here all night
I’ve been here all day
And boy, got me walkin’ side to side (Side to side)
O.k. Yes, yes. You have had sooooooo much sex that now you are waddling around. Good for you. You might wanna lay off the D for a bit before you get yourself a UTI. PS: The bad boy will not stay Ariana. I feel like I have to tell you this very loudly and very clearly because remember, you are dumb.
Heathens – Twenty One Pilots
Really the lyrics speak for themselves:
All my friends are heathens, take it slow
Wait for them to ask you who you know
Please don’t make any sudden moves
You don’t know the half of the abuse
What in the actual f*ck is happening here? Where are we in this scenario? A mental institution? Jail? Hell?
Just because we check the guns at the door
Doesn’t mean our brains will change from hand grenades
You’re lovin’ on the psychopath sitting next to you
You’re lovin’ on the murderer sitting next to you
Ummmmmm. Truth be told this isn’t a party I want to be at.
This song blows. Can you even call it a song? there is very little actual singing happening here.
Pop radio is taking a nose dive it seems. Good news though! I only have about 15 years of driving the girls around listening to this crap left.