The following is a depressing soundtrack to my life for the last three months. Take these ten saying and imagine them (if you dare) screamed and cried out in the highest pitches imaginable, 24 hours a day by four kids. Summer has been a ragin blast kids…but I’m thinking the party is over. Back to school you all go.
“It’s Not Fair!”
Yeah, Yeah, tell me about it. It is not fair that your little social lives trample mine on the daily nor is it fair than I can never poop in solitude. It’s not fair that your father and I have exactly ten minutes a day of alone time, but we are trying to make the best of it all for you darlings. Life isn’t fair. but Jesus it could be so much worse.
Oh hell yes you can, don’t even try that shit with me. You can definitively brush your teeth and march on into your bedrooms come eight p.m. each night. Don’t slink through the halls whining and lay in the doorways acting like you just ran a marathon. You know you is in the middle of a marathon? This girl. 24 hours a day non stop parenting for decades! My first baby was born when I was 24. I will be 50 when the twins leave for college. Like I said…marathon parenting.
“She Started It!”
Oh yeah? Here is the thing: I don’t give a shit. As far as I cam concerned you are both screaming and crying and making me insane, therefore I am lowering the boom on you both. Now be gone!
“Why Can’t We Stay Up later Just This Once?”
Ummmmm…. For starters you are all quite ornery in the morning if you don’t get your beauty sleep, (not that anyone actually sleeps through the night here but whatever.) Secondly I need you to go to bed because I am done parenting. I need sweet silence and stillness right now, which means you need to go night-night. Just let me have this small victory kids.
“Leave Me Alone”
Gladly. So long as you leave me alone. Just for three minutes here and there. Maybe you could try this leaving mommy alone thing when I pee, or talk on the phone once a week to grandma or try and speak to your father.
“What’s For Dinner? Ah! I Hate That!”
Of course you do! I should have known that when I made this dish last week and you went gaga over it you would instantly hate it for the remainder of your days. Can’t wait to see what you’ll despise tomorrow guys. A perfect example of this happened just yesterday. The little twinnie begged for chicken nuggets. I caved and rolled through good old McDonalds. Handed her the Crap-nuggets which she proceeded to toss on the car floor. When I asked her why she did that her response was, “Those chicken nuggets have chicken in them!”
Are. You. Kidding.
“You Never Say Yes”
First off, yes I do. I say yes all of the time, you just don’t realize it because you’re all so spoiled and the yes response is commonplace around these parts. Now the response “no” doesn’t cross your ears often so when you do hear it, it confuses you and royally pisses you off. No is good for you. Builds character, puts hair on your chest. You should be thanking me for those no’s.
“Stop Saying That!”
Stop saying what? Come here? Don’t run into the road? Sit in your chair so that you don’t crack your head wide open on the floors? I won’t stop saying any of it. It is my divine right to say what I please because I am the mom yo’! When you reach this status in life you can nag your own kids and say whatever shit you like. Get there and then we’ll talk girls.
“You Always Lie”
This one smacks me in my haggarded face everytime I don’t immeiantly yell “no!” A five second thought or a “maybe” somehow translates into a big fat yes for kids. How many times have I paused in thought only to hear them say, “so that’s a yes!” and run off as fast as they can. That isn’t how it works guys. It’s not a lie. Believe me I do my fair share of lying to you all, but just because I said maybe doesn’t mean it’s an automatic yes. And saying no is not lying.
“I Promise I’ll Never Do It Again.”
That’s what I have said each time I gave birth to you all. At least we know where you get your lying streak from!