I will never forget taking a weekend trip with our best friends to a local water park when our oldest kids were wee bitty ones. After a fun filled day of pools, pizza and arcade games we ere exhausted, the kids? Not so much. Our friend’s two year old son was so overly tired that at bedtime he repeatedly told his dad to “turn the lights out.” The problem was the lights were out. No amount of rationalizing and explaining could stop him from crying out in the darkness, “Turn the lights out!” The four of us adults sat there in the darkness as their son cried, my daughter ripped the phone cords from the hotel wall and we all counted down the hours until their newborn baby would awake in the night for food.
Then the little guy’s father desperately bellowed, “STOP SAYING LIGHTS OUT!” In that moment it was the funniest thing we had all ever heard. Anytime I become totally and completely desperate with my kids I yell, “Stop saying lights out” in my head, and I can’t help but smile. Here we are, educated, stable(ish), adults finding ourselves arguing against the tiny dictators and their bags of irrationality all day long. Here are some of the sayings happening around our house that make me want to put my own “lights out.”
Nope. Your blankie isn’t broken, your pillow isn’t broken, NOTHING is broken…except my will to live right now.
Well of course you want Daddy’s water! It isn’t enough that I dragged my ass out of a dead sleep to bring you your mighty challis, otherwise known as the pink cup. That just won’t do at one in the morning and you need “daddy’s water.” I’ll just shuffle around in the darkness looking for this unicorn of a water glass.
Make the cheese squishy
My nine year old microwaved a cheese stick ONE TIME and now are lives are forever altered by it. A cold cheese stick from the refrigerator just will not do any longer. Now I have to microwave it so it is “squishy. It can not be too hot or too melted…just squishy. The mere fact that I have not yet been sainted is beyond me.
I need a snack
You need no snack! All you kids do is eat. Just hearing them stand in the kitchen whining for more food makes my skin prick. How are they not two thousand pounds? Whining must burn a ton of calories.
I wanna walk
Yes we know how much you enjoy wandering around Target touching everything and moving in different directions. Some days I can breathe through my nose and exercises patience with you kids as you spread your sticky little wings and explore the world…other days I just want to grab some Tampons and go home.
Of course that random scrap of paper that you found under the couch is yours. Apparently it is also your sister’s. Now we shall fight to the death over the meaningless scrap of paper. Let the games begin!
These pants are weird.
Yes we know. Tags, seams, buttons, too tight, too loose, too blue, too long. Pants suck. This will never change. You will hate pants forever child. Just hold onto this leggings fashion phase with all of your might. You could wake up tomorrow and have to squeeze into Chinos. It could be worse.
It’s not my bedtime yet!
I suppose you are right. Your actual bedtime is in ten minutes. Here’s the thing. I’m tired and I don’t give a sh*t. Go to bed.
I HATE that (blank.) Six out of seven nights I get this line come dinnertime. How can you hate a cheeseburger? No one hates cheeseburgers kids! They are the foods of Gods dammit. Fine. I’ll eat your cheeseburger. Even after you smush it up between your grimey fingers and smother it with applesauce I will eat the hell out of it. Do you know why kids? Because it is a cheeseburger and they are amazing.
Next time your kids make your ears bleed with their own laundry list of annoying sayings I want to to repeat after me: Stop Saying Lights Out! I promise you will feel a million times better!
The Tale of Mummyhood