Here it comes my fellow parents.
The long, hard fall into Holiday Hell.
From now until the middle of April we all get to muddle through a six month holiday season, Christians especially. Every month there is money to spend on food, gifts and costumes, holiday decorations to drag out of storage or worse yet…create, and sugar, sugar, sugar. Fall is upon us and along with the crisp Autumn air and the Pumpkin Spiced lattes looms joy-killing holiday numero uno…
Here are ten solid reasons why Halloween is downright terrifying to parents everywhere:
Sugar, Dyes and Healthy Food Demise
Come October 31st healthy living goes straight to hell in a giant pumpkin shaped basket. Gluten free? Not today! Zero food dyes? Zero chances. All natural and organic household? Get over yourself. Everything will take a dive on Halloween and it won’t stop there. We will all reap the pain that is whack diets for the next three weeks. Kids will sneak candy, holiday dishes will linger and there will be no escaping it. There is only one way to save your babes from destroying their systems with Halloween candy and junk and that is to simply take the bullet and eat it all yourself.
October 31st Will Break Your Bank…and Your Will to Live
No matter how many times throughout the year I tell myself that I will hand make costumes from cardboard boxes, puff balls and hot glue, it never happens. Year after year I fork over obscene amounts of money for outfits that will most likely not even make it through the school Halloween party. This year my middle daughter wants to be Evie from Descendants and the outfit absolutely must include the wig and the expensive overcoat. It’s like seventy freaking dollars! For one child! The bonus is that she will become obsessed with the blue wig and I will spend a good portion of November trying to comb it out over the kitchen sink for her. My life is very glamorous, I know.
You WILL Gain Ten Pounds
I have four kids…that’s like twenty pounds of chocolate sitting in the laundry room for an entire month. No one can turn down that much chocolate, I don’t care who you are. To this day my girls have no clue what an Almond Joy bar is…because I eat them all on the first evening. Every single last one of them. After the house goes still and the chaos fades into darkness, it’s just me and about twenty Almond Joys in the laundry room.
Who Loves The Classroom Halloween Party? No One.
God those teachers are saints aren’t they? They do the class party after the school parades. Automatic saint-hood right there. There are not even words to describe the insanity of a kindergarten Halloween party. Picture it: twenty-five tiny bodies sweating under furry costumes as they all literally buzz with sugar. Abandon all hope and just watch them all spin around like sweaty, sugar-fueled tops. It is a sight that will haunt you for weeks.
It’s A Social Nightmare
So you want to trick-or-treat with her…and he wants to have so and so over…and the little ones got invited to a Halloween party down the street… and…where in the hell is your father? Oh every year it’s a social web of “who’s on first?” No one knows what is going on, where anyone is and when it will all finally be over.
Pinterest Will Remind You That You Suck at Life
I can’t open my Pinterest browser without seeing a bunch of Halloween crafts and meals that would clearly make me a better mother if I didn’t indeed suck so badly. I scroll through them, I pin them, I envision what they might look like assembled and in my kitchen, and then I go to Walmart and buy a boat load of orange and black junk because I suck at Pinterest. Can you even win at life if you don;t win at Pinterest? I have no clue.
The School Parade of Lost Mom Souls
I don’t know what it is about the school Halloween parade, but I swear I have never seen so many parents in one space…ever. For years the parade was in our school gym. Hundreds upon hundreds of moms, dads and grandparents raced to the gym to be packed in like sardines waiting to see their little ninja or princess waltz through the parade procession. Guys, why are we doing this? This is painful. I know what my kid looks like in her costume…she has been wearing it since it arrived via Amazon Prime two weeks prior. Every year I swear I won’t do the parade…but you know I will.
Where Pumpkin Carving Dreams go to Die
One of my greatest fears in life is that my husband will have to work late everyday of the week prior to Halloween and I will have to do all of the pumpkin carving by myself. Four kids, four pumpkins, four knifes, buckets of pumpkin goop and even more buckets of tears. Guys, please! Keep it simple: triangle eyes, crescent moon smile and that is about all you are getting. Don’t show me jazzy pictures of Spongebob and Paw Patrol Dogs like I am going to be able to recreate that using a pumpkin and a dull steak knife! Lower your artistic expectations and we may all make it out alive.
Values Get Distorted
I want my daughters to grow up strong, compassionate, confident, educated and classy…until October 31st. Come Halloween all morals and values go out the door and the kids look like teeny, tiny hookers. They get to wear more makeup than a drag queen on New Year’s Eve and wear outfits that if worn on any other day of the year might get me arrested. Only on Halloween is toddler street walking adorable.
All That Hard Work…And You’re Stuck Passing Out Candy
After you pour your blood, sweat, tears and glitter hairspray into the night’s preparation you realize that one of you is getting left behind here. While your gang of miniature misfits begin canvasing the neighborhood, you are left behind to get out of your armchair every ten seconds to pass out candy to other parent’s misfits. The parents all stand on the sidewalk smiling and fooling no one with their tumblers of “mommy juice.” Dang they look happy. It’s only then that you realize this is the culmination of getting the Halloween shaft. You have been foiled! You missed the only good part of the whole damn thing, drinking with neighbors on the sidewalk! Poor you. Go back to your armchair and eat a handful of the candy. You deserve it.
So yes, Halloween blows when you are a parent. It’s expensive, overrated and pretty much goes against every fiber of your being, but it is a prime example of how we as parents will simply do anything to see our kiddos happy.
Even if that means enduring the school Halloween parade and remortgaging the house to buy a stupid Elsa costume.