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The Armpits of Motherhood: F*cking Chores

I’m just going to go ahead and say it.

Fuck chores.

They sucked when we were ten and they suck now.  Maybe they even suck more now because last time I checked we don’t get paid for them, no one even says thank you when the crap-tasks are completed and no longer do you have one or two per day like you did as a kid, now you have twenty.

No…more like fifty…fifty thousand.

Here are the life-tasks that are truly kicking my ass lately:


Mowing The Lawn.

This used to be my husband’s job but a few summers ago I noticed that he looked like he might be enjoying lawn care.  He spent hours in the sun, cracked a few beers open while mowing and got out of childcare duties for a few hours every Saturday.  So I took it away from him and now I am paying the price for it.  I mow during the week so that we have more time to get on each others nerves on the weekend.  With the kids needing me every ten seconds it takes me about ten hours to complete this task every week.  It isn’t even the actually cutting of the grass that is making me lose my shit.  It’s the dumping and bagging of the clippings and the yard prep.  I’m not walking around the yard cleaning up dog shit and rouge toys, pre-mowing, I’m just not!  Everything is getting plowed over.  Last week I mowed over mail.  It might have been junk mail, maybe a bill, perhaps a check for one million dollars.  I guess now we will never know what it was now will we.



Sorting Laundry

Washing laundry is tolerable. Drying it and carrying it upstairs is not bad either.  Constantly sorting six peoples socks and undies is mentally exhausting.  Families with one mom, one dad, a boy and a girl don’t know how easy they have it in this department.  My two older girls are virtually the same size and the twins clearly are the same size and my oldest isn’t that far behind me in size.  Everything in the basket requires intense thought and consideration during the sorting process.  Then when the piles are finally sorted each kid has four million possible drawers to put items away in.  The logistics of it all is enough to make me want to raise a colony of nudists.



Scrubbing Baseboards

This chore sucks because it was really unexpected.  We knew adulting would include sweeping, mopping and laundry but baseboards?  Really?  Yes really.  If you don’t scrub them they collect dog hair, grime and filth.  Once you notice they are looking dingy you cannot turn away.  You must clean them.  So enjoy spending one day a week on your hands and knees doing the most thankless chore known to mankind.  You see outside from you, no one will ever notice your baseboard cleanliness.  I’m pretty sure I have been so desperate for someone to take a peek at my sparkling, white floor moldings that I have included it in my house-guest welcome.  “Oh hi!  Come on in, the kids are in the toy-room… so I just cleaned my baseboards (hint hint,) what’s new with you?”


Cleaning out the Car

Want to feel bad about yourself?  Clean out your car.  What is wrong with me that I can be shining baseboards weekly but not seem to notice the french fries and doughnut crumbs reproducing in my backseat?  How can I pride myself on being a good mother when my family vehicle is one small step away from being considered a biological hazard to human kind?  What even is that filth?  Smoothie?  Slime? An alien life form?  No idea.  I’m so ashamed to have driven this dirty, sticky mom-mobile through the school pick up line.  So embarrassing.  I could save myself the embarrassment and clean it out more frequently…but this chore sucks and I despise it.


Lice Checking

So we have not been hit with a lice infestation in about three years.  The whole experience was enough to traumatize me for life though.  I now make sure to do frequent head checks on the girls just to make sure I am not allowign cirtters to take up residence in their hair.  The thing is this:  just doing the comb through sends anxiety surging through my entire body.  If I find just one egg I will lose my fucking shit.  So I hold my breath, praying to the Gods that we have clean heads.  It is so stressful, and the kids bitch and whine through the entire process.  Perhaps I should just shave their heads and be done with this.  Bald nudists.

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Of course there are one million other chores that have me cursing under my breath all day long, but these guys are the ones that really make me a hater.

Chores.  The armpits of motherhood.




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26 thoughts on “The Armpits of Motherhood: F*cking Chores

  1. Laundry is definitely the bane of my life, why do they have to keep wearing clean clothes!? Thank you for linking up with #KCACOLS hope you can come back next time 🙂

  2. Nearly pissed myself this time Kristin… the girl watching the house burn, lol. Guess I’m a mean mom, my kids do most of this crap, of course, not as mean as my mom, I was an only that got the CSI inspection when I was done. Kids + baby wipes = clean baseboards…yup the joys of older kids, now I’m a slave driver. done is good enough….actually me not doing it is good enough….put those minions to work and go have a quickie, just sayin’ 😉

  3. I want you to mow the lawn on a weekend with a gin and let him look after the kids. You’re right though, chores are boring and I can’t wait to train them to do it for pocket money. #BloggersClubUK

  4. Oh I hate chores! I use blogging as an excuse for forgetting to do them. My worse is cleaning the toilets or ironing. I’ve given up on ironing most things now. Thank you for linking up to #ablogginggoodtime 🎉

  5. Literally the worst part of adulting. Baseboards especially. The only ones I bother with are in the bathroom because I can see them when I’m on the loo…but even then what’s the point, because I’m the only woman in a house of males, so I’m the only person who sees them!

  6. Haha! So true. I don’t mind doing the garden although I wouldn’t mind one of those ride on mowers so I could perhaps have a cheeky lager on the way round 😉
    Cleaning the car is one job I loathe. You never know what you will find down the back of the seats!

    Thanks so much for sharing with #MMBC. Hope to see you next week x

  7. I hate chores too, I only get joy from separating the washing into coloured piles and matching socks into pairs. I’m pretty lame like that haha!
    Thank you for sharing this with us at #TriumphantTales. I hope to see you back next week

  8. I’m so with you on this one. Thankfully I haven’t got a lawn because that would be the end of me (quite literally) and I hate cleaning out the car. There is just too much crap to do it in one go and i keep forgetting to take a bag with me!!!!! Thank you for sharing with #StayClassyMama

  9. Laundry! The Bain of my life. Everyday the washing is never ending, no matter how much I do there is always more! I also don’t like cleaning out my car, but if you could see my car you realise I don’t do that very often! #KCACOLS

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