I love my kids to no end. That being said there are about a million things that I will forever mourn because let’s be frank: Binge watching Outlander and eating all the day’s meals on the couch don’t jive with parenthood. (Seriously though imagine if it did. Would that not be glorious?) Here are major mom-mourns. We will forever miss you sleep.
Grown Up Television- No animation, no morals and lessons to be learned, just good old fashion soft porn and swearing. I’m Looking at you Sex In The City.
Perky Breasts And A Waistline- Even if I cut off half my limbs I will never weigh what I did prior to having kids. Things are stretched, deflated and broken. Some people call them badges of motherhood and wear them proudly. Those people and I are not friends.
Sleep- You will never sleep like you did before having kids. Not on vacation, not while the kids are Grandmas, never. It’s over. By the time the kids start staying in their own beds all night your husband will start his middle age snoring. Much like mine is doing right now. Merry Christmas honey- here’s a snore guard.
Sitting For An Entire Meal- Give up and eat the kids’ dinner scraps over the kitchen sink. That is where you are at now mom.
Driving A Small Car- The only tiny little car you will be driving is the Hot Wheels one your son makes you play with for hours on end. Sidenote: Has anyone else noticed how much harder it has gotten to get up off the kitchen floor after hours of playing cars or Barbies?
Clutch Purses – I own several and they all have to fight to be the one I take with me on the occasional evening out. Too many clutches, too few date nights.
Coming Home From Work And Sitting- Remember when you could walk through your apartment door, kick your heels off, fling your bra somewhere and sit on the couch until it was time to lie in your bed.
Having Sex With The Bedroom Door Open- Mood kill every single time. Close the door. Lock the door. Go back and wiggle the handle several times just to make extra sure it is locked. Lay underneath your husband during the deed wondering if all that door handle wiggling woke up the kids.
Walking Out Of The House In Under Ten Minutes- It can not be done with kids. You can be five feet from the garage door and somehow it will still take ten solid minutes to exit the house. Every single time.
Preparing Food That Isn’t Beige- Don’t you dare add color or spice to food moms! Prisoners eat better. Butter noodles it is kids…with a side of bread, applesauce…and depression Barf.
Laying In Bed All Day Sunday Hungover Simply Because You Can- Because why NOT? What in the hell else do you have to do? Laundry for one person? Do you want to get punched?
Wrapping Christmas Gifts In The Daylight Hours- Scariest thing to get caught at doing. Second to only sex.
Going To The Grocery Store And Buying Under Fifteen Things- You could make it into the house carrying all of your bags at one time!
Day Drinking- This one will get you hungover af for days on end. Six pm is going to whoop your ass and no one is getting a bedtime story.
Driving Around Town Blasting Gangsta Rap- Ok I still do this, but I turn it down when I am picking the kids up in carline.
Shopping In The Junior Section of Target – I highly doubt that when Target released their BoHo line they had my demographic in mind. I’ll be over in the giant ass, high-waisted, boot cut jean section if you need me.
Going To Starbucks And Only Ordering A Coffee- Not four croissants, a water, two smoothies and a handful of over priced cake pops. Just a fucking coffee.
I mean the trade off of motherhood is totally worth the sacrifice… but still.