The Bad Mom Files were started NOT because I am an actual a bad mom, but because in recent years there has been so much emphasis on what a good mom is. Being the perfect parent is a fucking unicorn of a concept and the rational side of our parental brains know that there is no such thing, yet it’s almost like we can’t help ourselves from comparing our own styles to that of other parents.
Am I giving the kids too much processed foods? Too much sugar? (Probably. Kidding…definitely.)
How many hours of screen time per day am I supposed to be adhering to so that my kids’ brains don’t rot? (Is 40 too much? Please say no.)
I can’t remember. Be more stern, less stern, more choices, less choices, provide structure? Allow for free range? (I’ll just sit here on the couch and ponder that while I watch some more Real Housewives of Orange County.)
Seriously why are we making this even more exhausting than it already is?
And then there is me.
Did I put underwear on the twins?
Is it cute or terrifying that my kids want to grow up and be U Tube stars?
Will my preschoolers say weiner at school this year? God I hope not.
I am not a bad mom, also not a superstar over here. I am human though, that I am certain of. It is from this desire to just be human: glory, faults and fuck ups that inspired The Bad Mom Files. Each month(ish) A new Bad Moms File post will come out, highlighting some aspect of parental shittiness.
So without further adieu I bring to you, my loyal, die hard bitches, the first installment of The Bad Mom Files.
Things That Are Really Funny, But Probably Shouldn’t Be
Watching kids is pee your pants hysterical. They do some whacky shit and can keep us grown ups entertained for hours. That said, I find that the funniest shit is stuff that I am probably not supposed to admit to laughing at. You see, this would make me a “Bad Mom.”
The care-meter is at zero guys. Funny is funny.
Raising Mini Sailor-Mouths
I die when one three year old twin calls the other a wiener or an asshole. I think it is their tiny Elmo-like voices angrily swearing that gets me chuckling behind closed doors. I have these friends whose son could not for the life of him pronounce his t’s as a toddler. His most favorite thing in the world at age two was a video called Twenty Trucks. I cried with laughter every single time he begged his mom to watch yet another round of “Funny Fucks.” It’s even funnier when the kid isn’t yours.
Motor Skill Fails
The twins have little daybeds in their room and one of the twins can not haul her butt onto the bed no matter how hard she tries. Every night I watch her heave and ho trying in vain to propel herself onto her toddler-sized cot and I should assist her, but it’s so funny watching her try and try again. Watching this scene might be the only thing keeping me from killing myself at bedtime each night because bedtime sucks like no other.
Again, it shouldn’t be funny especially because these fails almost always end in tears and pain, but really anytime a kid does the superman on a swing and face-plants into the mulch it’s funny. Sorry but it is. It’s also kind of funny when a swinger wipes out a clueless kid strolling in front of the swing, but that one is only funny in hindsight once everything checks out fine. In the moment that shit is scary as hell.
When Kids Lose Their Shit.
I can not keep a straight face when my seven year old turned fifty shades of pissed off. When that kid is madder than a honest it is damn funny. She is trying to give me the business and I’m trying not to let on that inside I am hysterical. Mad kids are funny, but they have to be seriously pissed. Rude, tired or hangry kids aren’t funny at all. They are just annoying.
Watching small humans dance is gloriously entertaining. They more often than not resemble tiny, drunk strippers and what isn’t funny about that? Sure it’s a bit unnerving to watch your five year old get down to Beyonce while whipping around a structural pole in the basement, but once you move on from the discomfort that comes along with toddler pole dancing, it’s pretty funny.
Next time your kid calls her My Little Pony a bastard or looks like she could be a strong contender for a Spring Break wet t-shirt contest go ahead and chuckle.
I won’t tell.