The Verbal Bags of Bullshit That We Carry

Remember back when…

Back when your mom caught you smoking one of her Virginia Slims on the back porch?

Back when you gave her the lip one too many times about your “dumbass” curfew?

Back when she owned your ass…

All moms have their bag of bullshit sayings and threats and believe me I am no exception.  All four girls were home from school the other day driving me bat shit crazy.  Our book had just launched on Amazon, I was glued to the computer doing promo and the temperature outside was hovering in single digits.  It was about as much of a lose-lose situation as one could possibly imagine for a tired, stressed, anxiety driven mother like myself.  On this particular day I found myself slinging so many bullshit lies and sayings at the kids that none of us bought them.  Every threat was more cliche and empty than the last, but I was desperate.  As I hurled timeless bullshit threats at my kids I found myself entering some weird, cosmic maternal right of passage.  This was the exact point that I realized my oldest daughters were getting to the age where I was tossing out similar bullshit threats at them that I had once heard as a shithead tween myself.  Oh what a coming of age moment this was for us all.  I started thinking of the greatest mom lies that one could bestow on their offspring.

Here they are moms…

You’re Gonna Get It

What is “it?”

Well, “it” can be a vast range of negative shit moms say when they get mad enough.  The thing is as a kid you never can quite gauge which version of “it” is coming your way.  For example you could tell your little sister that her face is stupid and mom could be somewhat merciful on you.  Maybe she sends you to your room for a bit.  That is not a bad gig at all for most kids I know.  Kids bedrooms are like mini Four Seasons hotels these days.  This is playing Russian Roulette though, you might NOT get the sent-to-the-room punishment.  You might call your sister’s face stupid and mom might decide to really lower the boom on you.  You’ll know it’s coming your way because she will yell, “That’s It! You are done!”

Now you are straight fu*ked.  You have lost everything you hold dear and she probably isn’t done with you.  You will continue to lose privileges as she thinks of them on the fly.

If I hear any yelling outside you are BOTH coming straight in!


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64 thoughts on “The Verbal Bags of Bullshit That We Carry

  1. Oh yeah…I carry a lot of these bags of bullshit.

    “Do it one more time and watch what happens.”
    “1, 2, 3.” (Like wtf am I really going to do after I get to 3?)
    My personal favorite:
    “Wait till your Dad gets home.”

    Love this…and your face! #blogcrush

  2. I am finding, “Right, we’re going to have to go home,” is working quite well for my tantrum throwing toddler. Only then I have to follow through and I have to force her screaming and planking into the buggy while the whole park stares… #bigpinklink

  3. I say to Cygnet, “do you want to go on the naughty mat again?” He outwitted me this week when he said “yes”. Pen x #AnythingGoes

  4. LOL… so funny… have 2 daughters and have heard all along how we have ruined their lives and how we annoy them regularly. My take has been that till I hear these words I know I am doing my job as a parent.

  5. It’s so hard to follow-through sometimes, but that’s the most important part. I usually tell my son “We’re done” and leave whatever fun activity we’re doing if he stops listening or starts whining.

  6. Bahhaa , As a teacher I use a lot of these phrases as well. I’ve learned over time that I need to be CERTAIN that it’s not an empty threat and it can be something I can follow through on.

  7. This is brilliant! My mum always used to play the “if you don’t eat it tonight you’ll get it again tomorrow” card. I can confirm that on one occasion she followed through with her promise but it still didn’t stop me from been a picky eater!! #TwinklyTuesday

  8. We are not on that stage yet I can’t say that I’m waiting for it:D but probably I will use all those Mom’s phrases:P thanks for sharing it with #GlobalBlogging

  9. I’m guilty of all the above but we all know what IT is. Oh yes, IT is the unmentionable here, something to do with Wifi, and that’s enough to get them behaving hee.. Thanks for sharing with #bigpinklink

  10. LMAO! This is how I stay fit, though. Carrying around my bags of verbal bullshit is my cardio.

    “Don’t make me come in there or else.” Is one of my personal favorites. I’m still trying to figure out what the or else portion entails. I’m pretty sure the kids are onto me, too.

    Love this post…and your face.

    Thank you so much for linking up to #ShowMeYours

  11. Ohhh, the “wait until your father gets home” lie….

    I would venture a guess that your dad was in the minority as I previously thought that NO dad would actually lower the boom on his kids worse than Mama.

    Still, it worked for me as a kid. I suppose I thought that there was this private dark side to my snuggly sweet Daddy that ONLY my mom knew. “Why else would she say that?” my gullible young self would think.

    I find myself uttering the same phrase. This works decently for my son since he is always trying to impress his dad, but my daughter might as well show me the middle finger. That’s how little she believes the threat.

    Thanks for the walk down memory lane!

  12. I’ve started to have to make “threats”, but I have to use quotes because she’s still a toddler and has no siblings to fight with. However, I do have to bust out, “no dinner, no cookie” things like that (and of course the world ends when I say no cookie). And of course I get flashes of all the threats my mom made to me. It’s all a cycle. But thank you for putting this exactly the way I feel about it!

  13. Ha ha! Thanks for bringing back some great memories of my mum’s crappy threats and phrases. I’m not a mum but I’m sad to say that I think I may use my ‘Mumisms’ on the cat. Oh dear.

  14. Oh yes the threats that I never or forget to act upon. Mine is do it again and see what happens…yeah that one gets repeated daily in my home and guess what? one out of the 5 (well I guess I can’t really count the newborn) does whatever it is again just to test the waters. Gah!

  15. I am definitely guilty of the bags of bullshit, especially at my 10 year son. It’s probably because he’s a little mini me and it drives me crazy, LOL! I hate when they are home during those freezing cold days and i have a lot to do. That seems to be when the biggest of the bullshit threats comes out. Stopping over from #ablogginggoodtime

  16. Love, love, love this post! I can’t keep a straight face when I’m trying to discipline my toddler. It’s so hard not to laugh at him, I’m always the bad cop while my husband plays the good cop.

  17. Oh my goodness I am carrying so many bags of bullshit it’s a miracle I ever manage to get my ass out of the house with them! Absolutely busted on this one. Thanks for linking up to #coolmumclub lovely xoxo

  18. Ha! This is so true, and I know I already use cliché phrases even though Baby Lighty is only 21 months old!! Oh dear!! Thanks so much for linking this to #DreamTeam 🙂

  19. Haha I definitely trot out things like “because I said so”, that as a child I thought were truly ridiculous responses. And I’ve started lying to my 2-year-old, because he is too young to listen to reason – it’s just easier. “The biscuits are all gone”; “The TV is broken” … stuff like that. Thanks for linking to #EatSleepBlogRT. Hope you come back next week.

  20. I love those classic mum sayings although they don’t really work on my kids anymore! My favourite from childhood is ‘stop crying before I give you something to cry about’ #globalblogging

  21. Great post! 🌟 totally Reminded me of all the crazy things my mum said to me and my brother 💙 Thank you for linking up to #ablogginggoodtime 🎉

  22. Ha I swear I am the queen of empty threats and bull shit lies at the minute my favourite being if you don’t X you won’t have Y They always get Y. Usually for my sanity but it totally defeats the point. Thanks for joining at #familyfun xx

  23. Haha I love this. I have a lot of phrases I say and they make think I’m turning into my mother!! I make so many empty threats and my 3 year old is going to realise one day too soon that I have no intentions of hiding the TV in the attic or never buying biscuits ever again. Thanks for linking up to #BlogCrush xx

  24. Gahhh this resonates-my daughter is only little but I have already noticed the empty threats, and I am pretty sure she is calling b*sht on them already. they’re too too smart these kids! #blogcrush

  25. “Wait till your dad gets home” doesn’t work in our family either – I am definitely waaaay stricter than he is!

    This post made me chuckle. Congrats on being featured on the #blogcrush linky!

  26. A very funny post – but true to the core. I have load of bags of bullshit up my sleeves! lol! My usual one –
    is no pad until you’ve done your chaos, Thanks Four Princesses and The Cheese​ for linking up with us on #FabFridayPost

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