Remember back when…
Back when your mom caught you smoking one of her Virginia Slims on the back porch?
Back when you gave her the lip one too many times about your “dumbass” curfew?
Back when she owned your ass…
All moms have their bag of bullshit sayings and threats and believe me I am no exception. All four girls were home from school the other day driving me bat shit crazy. Our book had just launched on Amazon, I was glued to the computer doing promo and the temperature outside was hovering in single digits. It was about as much of a lose-lose situation as one could possibly imagine for a tired, stressed, anxiety driven mother like myself. On this particular day I found myself slinging so many bullshit lies and sayings at the kids that none of us bought them. Every threat was more cliche and empty than the last, but I was desperate. As I hurled timeless bullshit threats at my kids I found myself entering some weird, cosmic maternal right of passage. This was the exact point that I realized my oldest daughters were getting to the age where I was tossing out similar bullshit threats at them that I had once heard as a shithead tween myself. Oh what a coming of age moment this was for us all. I started thinking of the greatest mom lies that one could bestow on their offspring.
Here they are moms…
You’re Gonna Get It
What is “it?”
Well, “it” can be a vast range of negative shit moms say when they get mad enough. The thing is as a kid you never can quite gauge which version of “it” is coming your way. For example you could tell your little sister that her face is stupid and mom could be somewhat merciful on you. Maybe she sends you to your room for a bit. That is not a bad gig at all for most kids I know. Kids bedrooms are like mini Four Seasons hotels these days. This is playing Russian Roulette though, you might NOT get the sent-to-the-room punishment. You might call your sister’s face stupid and mom might decide to really lower the boom on you. You’ll know it’s coming your way because she will yell, “That’s It! You are done!”
Now you are straight fu*ked. You have lost everything you hold dear and she probably isn’t done with you. You will continue to lose privileges as she thinks of them on the fly.
If I hear any yelling outside you are BOTH coming straight in!