The Mayor of Fail-City Strikes Again…and Again…and Again

I recently wrote an article for Parent Co. on having the “becoming a woman” talk with my oldest daughter.  If you haven’t read it, you can brief yourself HERE.  For the most part readers giggled at my experience or sympathized with either having been there themselves or will be headed there in the future.  Then there were a few jarring comments from readers who “felt sorry” for my kid and were “saddened” by the fact that I had not celebrated her changing body in a different way.  In the opinion of some, my mother-daughter speech sucked.  One commenter  wrote that she, “feared that author (yours truly) thinks birth is scary painful and gross as are periods.”  Now being the hot-headed, sweary, ranty mom machine that I am, my initial reaction was to fire back and defend myself.  I didn’t do that though.  For ONCE I sat on my hands and started doubting myself.


Did I royally mess this female right of passage up for my kid?  Had my crappy explanation of puberty doomed her to years of expensive therapy and a lifetime of deep-seeded issues?  Was I supposed to give her a speech about becoming a mighty flower?  How the gates of womanhood open forth and the torrential floods of female empowerment rise up arm you with strength and power? (and cramps, stains and hormones?)  The answer is probably.  Mothers everywhere are armed with better speeches for this type of thing.  They are better mothers than I, says the internet.

In light of the menstrual cycle blunder I started thinking about all of the other ways I have failed in parenthood recently, just today in fact.  Go ahead internet, judge away.  You will anyhow so I mine as well just invite you all in.


For starters the twins had chocolate croissants for breakfast… and they ate them in a dirty shopping cart at Target.  I didn’t even wipe the damn thing down.  How do you like THAT?  We started our morning fueling our bodies with high fructose corn syrup while sitting in plastic carts most likely made overseas.

While we were at the local Target I stopped in the shoe aisle and bought not one…but TWO pair of over-priced toddler shoes.  Yes I spent forty dollars on shoes that are covered in bright pink glitter, but that is not the kicker.  They have mini high heels!  Why in the hell would I do this?  The answer is simple:  because I wanted to, they were cute and the twins loved them and now the internet can tell me what a crap parent I am for subjecting my girls to all the evils of pink, glittery high heels at an inappropriately young age.

I would love to tell you that the buck stops there.  Imagine if I got to the parking lot, jumped in my Yukon and was immediately jarred into realizing that I was damaging my little angels and had seen the error in my ways.  Not happening though.  I went home and cleaned the house with non- environmental friendly cleaners, served HOT DOGS for lunch and offered the kids non-organic juice boxes.


It was a really nice, spring day so we played outside in our chemically treated yard with no coats on, even though it was a bit nippy.  You know what I did during this playtime?  I sat in a lawn chair while my kids ran amuck.  No one was crying, fighting or attempting to escape so I sat on the porch and read my book.  I happily ignored my children as they (gasp) entertained themselves and each other.

We did eventually make our way inside for the night for bath time.  In truth, I don’t even know the brand of shampoo that I use with the girls.  All I know is that Elsa is on the front, it smells like strawberries and it seems to get them somewhat clean.  I am sure the constant use of this crap shampoo will most likely result in one of them growing a third arm or becoming radio active at some point and I have made peace with this.  I’m just not buying the expensive shit.  The kids dump half of it out into the bath anyways.

Before bedtime we wrapped up the night with I Pads.  Yup,  alittle bedtime U Tube to keep the kids quiet while I raced around putting laundry away and packing lunches full of processes death-bites.  Honestly, I have no clue what they were even watching…and I don’t really care.


So this is just a DAYs worth of crap parenting moves that I will be judged for. Have a field day internet!  Pray for my girls, send me some organic bees wax through the mail, drop me a lengthy comment about how sorry you feel for us.  It won’t bother me, in fact I will just sit back and wait for the hate to roll on in while I eat my kids’ Welches Fruit Snacks and drink a beer in my Made-In-China sweatpants.



Life Love and Dirty Dishes
Strawberry Butterscotch
Being A Wordsmith
Pretty Pintastic Party
My Random Musings
All Mum Said
Country Mouse City Spouse Monday Mish Mash Link Party #65

47 thoughts on “The Mayor of Fail-City Strikes Again…and Again…and Again

  1. Hahaha. I love that you took a “troll” situation and turned it in to this. I don’t like when other people criticize parenting. At least you had the talk with you daughter. Most people don’t even do that. Hang in there girl!

  2. OMG I loved this. Oh everybody is a great parent until they have to actually parent, and the internet is one of those places where people get up on their high horse

  3. Oh my gosh, I love this! And your style of writing. I can relate to this 100%%%%%. Followed you on facebook because we need to stay in touch and participate in mom rants together 🙂

  4. Love this! I have twins as well. They are 6 now and have a 9 year old sister. I totally agree 100 % with you that they need to entertain themselves. That’s not my job. People really need to let parents be parents and kids be kids 🙂 No judging allowed!

  5. I love you! I love your honesty, humour and that you are shouting up for us mums who are just getting on with it without getting bat crazy about all the shot we should be doing. Way to go! Thank you for linking up to #ablogginggoodtime 🎉

  6. Love your honesty!! No matter what people say on Social Media, just be like this. Just having a talk with your daughter about it, is good enough. It’s good that they hear it from you rather than from a friend or someone else.

  7. I love your honesty and normality Kristin. I remember when we didn’t have to wear seat belts. Let alone car seats! I played out on the street and nothing was organic! It’s a wonder how I survived!!! Can you imagine the field day the Internet would have had in the 80’s!!! Thanks for linking up to #FridayFrolics

  8. Bloody Internet creates a lot of unqualified judges😀 I would give anything for book time whilst my kids entertrained themselves so fair play you are winning in my eyes 😀

  9. Ahhh, love this. Sometimes I buy reduced ready-made sandwiches from the supermarket to put in my daughter’s packed lunch because I am lazy and I love a bargain. I never make homemade hummus for the lunchbox like the other mums. I might sometimes throw in some carrot sticks if they are about to turn. I’m a Debs mum without a doubt

  10. HA fantastic, well I will join you, yesterday my children has a chocolate snack in their dirty trolly. I then dragged them round other shops with me that I had to go to, took them to Macdonalds for lunch and then they had a doughnut after. We came home attempted some crafts (badly) until I gave up and threw them outside to run around as I, like you, sat and watched. The parenting judgers would have a field day on me, but ya know what those few hours of that day doesn’t show you all that I am as a parent. So hey ho, say what you gotta say eh. I applaud your honesty and your response! Thanks for joining us at #familyfun

  11. Mine has been playing music on his iPad for a few hours now while I get some bloggy stuff done. I think he may have had some fruit snacks without washing his hands (not the organic tasteless ones either – the TMNT ones that glorify violence and probably have artificial coloring in addition to the artificial flavoring). And…

    Love parents that keep it real and don’t judge each other. Thanks for being a part of #FridayFrivolity.

  12. Totally love this yes non parents are experts on parenting not Thanks for linking to the #THAT FRIDAY LINKY come back next week please

  13. We ALWAYS have lazy food in the freezer. Chicken strips or nuggets are so good for the %^&* it days when it’s too hard to cook. Saves on takeout costs and it’s easy to ignore something in the oven for 20mins.

  14. My daughter is watching YouTube while I blog. She had a Costa creamy cooler for breakfast lol. Keep telling it like it is! I love this post!

  15. I love this. Two ipads three kids is the story of my life, although ipads and four kids is even harder! I can relate to all of this, thank god we are all in the same boat! #globalblogging

  16. Well, that does it…We cannot be friends anymore. I’m cutting ALL ties with you. And just so ya know, it isn’t about the shoes from Target, the gas guzzler you drive, or the hot dogs…No, it’s the fact that you STILL HAVE FROZEN MERCH IN YOUR HOME!!!!!

    Kristin, on behalf of all mothers everywhere, I beg of you…LET IT GO!!!!!

  17. Haha! Good on you for telling it like it is. We all do what we gotta do to get by. As long as everyone’s still alive at the end of the day, I call it successful parenting! Loved this.

  18. Not wiping stuff down strengthens their immune system. You’re just allowing them to develop robust immune responses to germs in the future. #globalblogging

  19. Hahaha all this is just amazing! I am sorry that you had someone judge you so publicly for parenting how YOU want! Everyone is different and parents how they feel is right… and not everyone may agree but you don’t publicly shame them on their own turf… not cool troll! The fact you made this hilarious post about the REALITY of Motherhood is inspiring and just incredible… you go Mama! <3

  20. Ha! Loved it! Definitely more relaxed about reading this while they are killing each other in front of the telly watching telly tubbies.
    Well, I guess parent bloggers only ought to picture things by putting a sparkly Instagram filter in front of it first. Thanks for being honest #globalblogging

  21. Haha. Sounds like a day in the life of a mom to me! Who actually wipes down the shopping cart every time??? Although I probably should start since my son is in the chew on everything phase…oops.
    Thanks for sharing and hosting #globalblogging

  22. A mother after my own heart 🙂 … I had a packet of Welches Fruit Snacks for breakfast. At 37 weeks I am constantly complaining about how sore I am, probably messing up my kid’s ideas of how glorious pregnancy is. Whoops – my bad… I also don’t believe in entertaining my kids. I have so many, they can entertain themselves! Our kids are safe, warm, fed and loved. We know it and they do too… Gosh, if we had to think about how we were raised in the 80’s, our parents would probably have social services on them 🙂 #globalblogging

  23. I hate when people feel like they actually know someone or how they parent by reading one blog post, which somehow entitles them to say things like:”I’m gonna pray for your kids.” I think that’s kind of hurtful, because it’s usually from not from a place of sincereness, it’s usually the backhanded “bless your heart”. Like your poor kids. BOO!
    Why are we so hard on each other?
    Thanks for sharing with us at #MMBH

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