“Today feels like a good day to start a juice cleanse!”
Said no sane human ever.
But hey. If there is one thing I do very well it is make fairly irrational decisions. So doing a three day juice cleanse fits right into that schema of mine. What can I say, I like to be consistent.
Let me back up a tad. About a week ago my girlfriend texted me and asked if I wanted to do a juice cleanse with her. Of course I responded, “Sure!” before I gave it a single thought. I love juice, I was high on life after a beautiful day filled with fresh air and exercise, so why not. I’m a team player!
Because I like food and juice cleanses ain’t got no time for food dammit.
Before I could come to my sense I ran home and ordered three days worth of cold pressed juices from the company Juice From The Raw using my trusty Amazon Prime. I am pretty sure I have hit a new all-time low here. I spent over one hundred dollars ordering juice on the internet. After purchasing eighteen bottles of liquid hell I tried to mentally tuck away the impending diet as best I could and carry on with life but for the next few days as I awaited my shipment I started to turn into a bear. Although the internet directions explicitly said to eat very clean for the few days prior to starving in the name of detox, load up on raw veggies and fruits and avoid alcohol and caffeine, what I heard was eat everything in sight in hopes that you store this food like a grizzly preparing to hibernate. I was up at one, three and four in the morning shoveling in mass quantities of cheese, granola bars and speeonfuls of hummus knowing that I would soon be missing food. Did I cut back on the beer and coffee?
No. No I did not. In fact I went on a coffee/beer bender for the three days prior to detoxing. It’s not my fault though, it was a big football weekend. Below is actual footage of me consuming everything in sight.
Sunday night I took six of the juices out of the freezer and lined them up on the counter. I stared them down trying to psych myself my. I’m going to make these juices my bitch.
JUICE CLEANSE DAY ONE
Hello Monday morning, you giant asshole! I got the kids out the door for school and drank my first bottle of juice: Detox Greens. It wasn’t bad, but it sure as hell wasn’t a Pumpkin Spice latte. Of course I had not let it defrost completely so I found myself munching on icy kale chunks on my way to PiYo class. Halfway through PiYo (that is short for Pilates-Yoga Death Class) I could only think of two things: how many times I had accidentally peed my pants while doing jump/squats and how hungry I already was. Thank goodness my girlfriend who was detoxing along with me was at PiYo because I had to pass a giant refrigerator full of cheese sticks on the way out of class and the studio sits directly next to a Chinese food establishment. Real asshat move there Spartan Fit. I came right home, ate the half an avocado with salt that the detox directions say that you can consume during the cleanse and drank my second bottle of juice. It was minty, and citrusy and really good.
1 pm: I hate myself for letting my husband do the grocery shopping yesterday. The house if full of poptarts, cheese and White Castle cheeseburgers. WHITE CASTLE BURGERS! That was a dick move there husband and you will pay dearly for that one. I only have four juices left for the day so I need to hold off until 2 pm when I get to drink yummy Sweet Greens. My guess is I am in for a real let down with that bottle.
2pm: The twins are eating those glorious looking pop tarts and cutting apart Barbie dresses. I don’t even care. They need to work on their fine motor skills anyways. The sweet greens are similar to the Detox greens so eh. Im trying to drink as much water as I can and the cleanse said a little black coffee is fine as well. I don’t know what a little black coffee is so I’m going to drink just enough to function…so like three cups. How am I going to microwave dino-nuggest for dinner tonight and not eat any. I love chicken nuggets, I’m kind of scared for five p.m.
My current mood:
3:30 p.m. It’s time to get in the car line and pick my middle child up from school. I’m not making eye contact with anyone in fear of lashing out at them. This is my typically feeding time and normally when I consume the majority of my daily’s calories. I’m hangry and my legs ache from PiYo, but I can DO THIS!
5:30 p.m. Finally something that isn’t green in color. Mmmmmmm. Spicy lemon. This tastes delish. It would be so much better if it were actual food. Here is the good news: I still have the three best looking drinks left and half a cucumber and avocado to feast upon.
6:00 I have never loved anything quite as much as I happen to love avocado right now. I can not shovel it in fast enough. Solid. Food. So. Good. I almost forgot how to chew. The kids had crap chicken nuggets for dinner. They smelled ah-freaking-mazing. I threw them on the kids plates and ran like hell from the kitchen. I really don’t trust myself.
6:15 I crept into the kitchen unsure of how I would handle the leftover nuggets. I dumped the carnage in the sink and threw dish soap on them before I could lick the girls’ plates.
6:30 Time for some beet juice and a few more cucumber slices. The hunger has completely subsided and I’m kind of struggling to finish the day’s worth of liquid. It’s a LOT of liquid.
8:45 God I hate bedtime. Faaaaaaaaaack.
9:20 Last juice down. Coconut fusion. Good news: that one is so good. Bad News: I am going to be up peeing all night long. I don’t think I have ever drank this much liquid in one day…ever. My belly is distended, I’m constantly peeing, I’m starving all day long and bitch-tastic. Basically I feel pregnant.
Tomorrow will be interesting. I’m hoping to wake up feeling energized and clear-headed but my guess is I will be a total bi-a-tch for the first few hours of daylight.
Stay turned for tomorrow’s update….
Disclaimer: I am not being compensated for this cleanse. I’m just an asshole who couldn’t say no to a great friend.