So we are here already.
The kids’ teeth are falling out. Don’t worry, it isn’t from sugar and food dyes. It is just that time in their child development where their teeth start dropping like flies and they spend a few years looking like meth addicts. The lose of a tooth is SO HUGE in a child’s world. They get so jacked up over yanking a tooth out and carting it around like their number one prized possession. Some dentist offices and schools even have the little plastic tooth-shaped locket on a string where your kiddo can safely place his or her tooth and wear it with pride.
Am I the only one that is a little grossed out by this concept?
Anyways the lose of a baby tooth then leads to the stupid, pain in the rear tooth fairy. In case you are wondering, the tooth fairy was derived from Early European assholes who rewarded their child with a gift of money for the loss of their sixth tooth and then took the tooth as collateral. Curse you early Europeans! Now fast forward several hundreds of years to the aftermath of this seemingly innocent tradition- the dreaded tooth fairy.
You know what? It seems like a simple enough concept. Your baby loses a tooth, places it under the pillow and you leave a dollar.
Done and done.
Maybe it works this way in your home…but thus far in our home the tooth fairy concept has lead to nothing but dread, angst and failure.
Our oldest didn’t technically lose her first tooth, rather she had three of them yanked from her precious little mouth last year. She put them under her pillow and went to sleep…eventually. I on the other hand was so jacked up over the possibility of sleeping all night long and forgetting her tooth reward that I set my alarm for 2 am. Around 2 am I crept over to my loose cash stash and groggily tried to count out some cash. The problem was I hadn’t checked the going rate for teeth before I nodded off that night. Was it two dollars a tooth? Five bucks a tooth?
I can’t do this kind of thinking in the middle of the night. I grabbed a twenty, smushed it under her pillow and got out of dodge.
She was THRILLED the next morning as she announced to the family that the tooth fairy “hooked it up with a twenty!” My husband shot me a glance across the kitchen. I just shrugged my shoulders at him. What the hell!?! If he was so concerned about the going rate of teeth he certainly could have broached the subject the evening before instead of laying in bed playing Clash of Clans! Here is another thought…HE could have played tooth fairy last night!
(I suspect that had he done the deed though first born would be sobbing over her lonely quarter and I would have been shooting him the death glare.)
I did forget to snag that first tooth as well as the three teeth prior. I was so groggy and concerned about being discovered and ruining her tooth fairy dreams for ever! Easily remedied by super smart mom though. I told her the fairy leaves the first tooth as a souvenir for kids. When I forgot the second time I told her it got left because it was the first tooth that wasn’t pulled.
I made a mental note to remember to grab all subsequent teeth that fell out of my children’s head.
I didn’t realize what I had done that night but it soon dawned on me that I had made a crucial parenting error (shocker.) I had set a tooth precedence. Now she and the other little three would someday come to expect huge payouts for teeth. I promised that I would get it together and only leave 2 bucks by the next tooth fall-out. Problem was when the next tooth fell out she was SOOOOOO freaking excited. I ended up giving her five bucks. Now it is set in stone…five bucks a tooth. I did some quick math. 20 teeth times five bucks= 100 bucks for teeth per child…times four kids. That is FOUR HUNDRED DOLLARS IN TEETH.
A few weeks ago she lost another pearlie white. The unthinkable happened. I FORGOT HER MONEY!
“Mom, I don’t think the tooth fairy came last night.” She said to me at the crack of dawn one morning.
OMG. This is some serious crap parenting over here. Who forgets the tooth fairy? I told her I would go peek around. I bolted up the stairs to my secret cash stash, snagged a fistful of singles, ran downstairs and made it rain like I was Lil’ Wayne at a strip bar.
“Hey hun, I found some dollars in between the bed and the wall!” I huffed and puffed. (When I say I bolted I mean BOLTED- note to self- get ass in shape.)
“Really” She said.
“Yeah babe, they must have fallen down the crack during the night,” I said feeling smart as as a whip.
“Did the tooth fairy finally remember to take the tooth this time?”
Curse you tooth fairy and damn you early Europeans!