My Toy Shit List


I am so sick of toys.  Toys are EVERYWHERE.  They find their way into every single room in this house, they are in my car, they are scattered throughout our yard.  They go missing at random and cause epic meltdowns.  The break twelve seconds after I remove them from the package.  Toys are the enemy…yet I keep on buying them.  I mean, that’s what we parents do right?  I am starting to rethink my whole toy approach after watching Hazel play with an emergency tampon at the pool  for TWO HOURS the other day.  Really Hazel???  Anyhoo, here is my list of toys that I wouldn’t mind seeing burn.


1. Train tables.  See post “Why I hate Train Tables.”  These bastards got their very own post.


2.  Shopkins.  What even are these???  Oh, you lost your 3 centimeter tall baseball Shopkin and you would like me to stop doing seven hundred things so that I can tear apart the house looking for it?   Bwahahahahahahahaha!  Mom gives zero f***s about baseball Shopkin or ANY Shopkin for that matter.  I look forward to sucking those destroyers-of-sanity up with my vacuum.  Sorry not sorry.


3.  Lego sets.  So let me get this straight.  First, I get to pay fifty bucks for a Lego set.  Then I get to sit on the floor and do 99% of the work while you whine at me and tell me that I am doing it all wrong.  Finally, I will dismiss you from my presence and devote hours to creating this Lego wonderland only to have you break it and lose half the pieces and instructions within 24 hours?!?  You have got to be kidding.  Who invented this hell???


4.  American Girl dolls.  To the creators of American Girl.  I hate you with the burning intensity of one million suns.   My multiple daughters NEEEEEEEED their bevy of dolls to own shoes and accessories that cost more than mine do.  At one point I found myself spending more time combing the dolls’ hair than my own children’s’ hair!  We have recently taken out a second mortgage on the house so that we can purchase your merchandise.  The dolls aren’t even that cool!  Really, you think too highly of yourselves.


5.  Monster High Dolls.  I hate them, but I hate less them because they are cheap a.f.  and my girls actually use them.   They are creepy twigs with heads.  Can we talk about distorted body image?  Gross things.  The hands come off all of the time!  I can never find them.  I spend a ton of time looking for Monster High hands along with those damn Shopkins.  When I do find them it is usually while I am vacuuming, and my love of sucking up toys with the vacuum cleaner overpowers my need to pick the Monster High hands off of the floor.  Everybody loses.


6.  Stuffed animals.  These guys are the horniest toys around.  They have to be because they multiply like crazy.  I find myself feeding them to our dog Queso Cheese Monster, he too loves stuffed animals.  Sorry kids, Queso ate your monkey.  Blame him.


7.  Rounding out the list we have musical instruments.  Yes, they are enriching.  Yes, it’s cute when your kids make up their own band and entertain relatives for the holidays.  There is just one problem.  They are loud.  My kids are loud enough without them!  Please bang on a keyboard, shake your tambourine and do whatever the hell it is you’re doing with that accordion.  No really, mommy loves it.  NOPE.  Mommy wants to lock herself in the garage and drink all of the beer that daddy hides out there.  (Yeah I know all about the secret beer stash Sam.  Try harder next time.  Perhaps try the laundry room…God knows you never step foot in there.)


There it is kids.  Now let us combine our bitchy mom forces and add to this list.

Shopkins meme funny:


This article also runs on Sammiches and Psych Meds

Being A Wordsmith
Pink Pear Bear
JENerally Informed


The Pramshed
Petite Pudding

17 thoughts on “My Toy Shit List

  1. Ok, this post has brought a tear to my eye from laughing. You are so right. I love building lego sets, they’re cool. I don’t however love the extortionate cost, or the fact that once built my son never wants to actually play with them, but also never wants to take the down. Our house is covered in lego models, dusting has become an impossibility (good excuse mind). And don’t get me started on hot wheels. We have two ginormous storage boxes full of them as well as loads of track sets that never ever ever go back in the box or come apart very easy. While writing this we currently have one being built the full length of the living room. By the time he finishes it will be time for his little sister to get up from her nap and she’ll pull it apart and the screaming will begin! Some toys really are the devil.

  2. We have a plastic train set that I build every so often and then my one year old crawls through it and his siblings shout at him. Then I build it again. I have just got rid of our jumperoo which took up half of the playroom (out of the baby stage now) and on my children’s Xmas list (which I wrote for them) is ‘anything, so long as it is small, not plastic and doesn’t play a tune’. A puzzle or a nice book, maybe. Good post! #BigPinkLink

  3. I agree so much with you. This post is brilliant! I hate Monster High Dolls. They are so ugly and weird! Where is the traditional Barbie eh? Lego are so painful if you happen to step on them lol #happynowlinkup

  4. This is just hilarious. I’m so with you on the lego! And the soft toys. Monster High dolls are vile! Really awful. We have none thankfully. Thank you so much for being a part of the #bigpinklink it’s great to have you with us!

  5. I’ve ranted about legos before. My problem is that once you put them together, you can’t play with them or they just break apart. I’ll stick to playing with toys I don’t have to assemble first! #happynow

  6. Hahahahaha! So true all around. So far we’ve stayed clear of shopkins, monster high dolls, and train tables. But the American Girl dolls have definitely invaded. Thanks so much Grandmas!

  7. HAHAHA This post gave me the daily laugh I needed. Adding to the Lego list don’t you just love when they go incognito on the floor and you accidentally step on them and think you just died and went to hell. I have a love hate relationship with them…

  8. ha ha. Are you at the stage yet where you tell the girls that any toy found where it’s not supposed to be ends up in the bin?
    That’s where I won the battle!
    All the best with your war! lol

  9. Oh we have seen Thomas come and go, him and his friends dominated my life for many years, but they have now outgrown them, but choppiness are still very popular as are stuffed toys in my house, even my 12 year old is still stuff toy obsessed! And Barbie, and all her accessories, every barbie comes with teeny shoes, and jewellery and a hairbrush! I feel your pain #eatsleepblogRT

  10. HaHa, my daughter is 4 and just discovered shopkins! Hence they feature heavily on her christmas wish list!!! I’ve given in though and I sooooo look forward to finding them everywhere! I hear you on musical instruments too. Now I understand why I was sent to my room to ‘practice’ violin 😉
    Helen x

  11. Argh I dread the creepy doll phase and I just knw those annoying shopkins will one day make an appearance… As for Lego I agree that this was invented by a person who has no compassion for parents at all! #eatsleepblogrt

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