I try HARD to give my little toddler twins the same life experiences as I did my first two daughters. The thing is… they are nothing like my single birth babies. I really took for granted the everyday missions that I could accomplish with baby number one and baby number two. Once the twins turned two and decided that being strapped into a stroller was just about the most horrid torture their toddler selves could endure in a day, (other than running out of cheese sticks,) so many things became damn near impossible. There are just certain things moms should NOT attempt to do with twin toddlers, unless they are gluttons for punishment or borderline suicidal. The following tasks can put the sanest twin mom right over the mother lovin’ edge.
Volunteering at the elementary school. Bwahahahahahahaha. Think you might sign up to help at the elementary school Christmas party? Nope- not with twin toddlers you are. I could manage this with my first two kids. I could throw the middle child on my hip and pass out cookies, or sit her on my lap while I yelled out, “B-21” in a raging game of Halloween Bingo. Along came the twins… One runs away while the other eats half of the class craft. Twin number one melts down on the classroom floor- well twin number two shall NEVER be outdone and will join right in- even though she has no f**king clue what she is even raging about. Nothing will make you feel more like a shit mom than trying to control toddler twins while attempting to show off your volunteering skills in the elementary classroom. Still think you are kick-ass enough to try? Be my guest. When you leave the building with two writhing, raging 20 pound demons under each arm just in time to reach your mom mobile covered in a sheen of sweat and tears- don’t say I did not warn you.
Cook You would never guess it now but before the twins I was queen of the baking projects. I had my little girls in the kitchen cooking and measuring almost every single day. EVERY DAY! I recently attempted muffin making with the twins… never again. I am not attempting this until they are at LEAST five…or ten…or college bound. The old monkey see- monkey do act destroyed this Pinterest bonding experience. One twin pounded a fistful of flour, Boom twin number two is gonna eat a raw egg…so on and so forth. My girls accept redirection about a well as I accept the fact that I will never be a size zero again…not very well. So muffin making resulting in flour and raw egg everywhere, screaming twins rolling around on the floor and possibly a case of mild salmonella.
Casual Strolls Through Nature
– The idea sounds divine. Just the twins and I exploring the world around us breathing in the fresh scents of nature. The problem with this is 1.) The nature itself. Toddlers love dirt, they run with sticks, they eat rocks and sand, and God only knows what else. Second, strollers and nature don’t really vibe so we always attempt to walk. One toddler runs left, one runs right, I mutter obscene words under my breath as I quickly choose which kid is in more imminent danger. One twin ALWAYS decides that she has had enough and lays face first down on the ground. It is the only time that they are still. Our lovely little nature hikes normally end with me carrying two dirty, crying toddlers under my arms and SWEARING that I will not be trying this again anytime soon. Be jealous.
Professional Photo Sessions- Nothing is cuter than two little toddling twinnies in matching outfits…and nothing is more terrifying that one of these toddler photo sessions gone awry. Please can I pay hundreds of dollars to chase my toddlers around in an attempt to pin them still on set while they scream and cry? Nope…not happening. I think the twins will be Queens of the Candid, unless I can snag a photographer that can think up a cute photo opp including legal restraints.
Restaurants- This outing right here can just go straight to hell. No amount of alcohol and junk food can dull the pain of two angry squirmers in public. When patrons start looking in my direction I begin to get anxious, another drink please. I will pull out all the reserves just to keep the peace during a meal out. You kids want to eat crayons, draw on the tables, break my expensive phone, FINE. JUST LET ME EAT THIS DAMN FOOD! EVEN HALF! This outing usually results in me being pissed at my husband for no good reason, (other than I feel like a failure and need to blame someone else,) and being too emotionally and physically exhausted to go home and finish the day’s chores and do bath and bed.
There comes a point in a twin mom’s life where one must accept their fate.
You cells divided and so did your outing possibilities.