” Do you think anyone has ever divorced their husband over snoring…asking for a friend.”
I jokingly wrote this on social media a few weeks ago because I was up late into the night listening to my husband slumber away. When I say that I was listening to him sleep, I mean I was unfortunately really listening. There he laid, one foot away from me snoring loud enough to shake the walls of our home I swear it. It was the loudest most wretched sound I can describe to you good readers; a mixture of gurgling, choking, gasping, coughing, mumbling and good old traditional snoring. A real medley of marital unhappiness if you will.
This is the soundtrack to my life between the hours of 1o p.m. and 6 a.m. and it has been like this for a number of years. Unfortunately as we enter middle age, the snoring is only getting worse. The infant cries in the night have been replaced by this crap and sadly I can’t just pop a bottle in the hubs and make the noise cease. I roll him “beached whale style”constantly, jab him in his ribs hard enough to leave him with physical reminders of my constant frustration and irritation and wake him out of his pseudo-slumber several times a night in hopes that I can quickly fall asleep as he startles awake and tries to settle himself back down. My tactics no longer even leave a dent in the snoring. Just a few years back he used to snore only after he had a few beers or stayed up late watching sports. Now I swear it starts before he has fully closed his eyeballs. I don’t think he even has to be asleep to snore!
I used to become agitated, but I could deal…or move beds. I am a mother to four young daughters so musical beds is nothing new to me. As the snoring developed into a nightly sure bet my agitation also developed into anger, aggression and really negative emotions. Every single morning we would bicker over text regarding the previous night’s snore-a-thon.
Why doesn’t he go sleep on the couch instead of me?
When is he going to call and schedule a sleep study or buy some fancy mouth guard over the internet?
Why doesn’t he care that his sleep selfishness is causing me to be exhausted and perpetually pissed off at him?
Because at the root of it all, this marital impasse wasn’t about the actual act of snoring. It was about something so much deeper.
Why does he always come first?
Does he think that he needs rest more than me because he has a high stress job that requires him to keep people alive while I am at home vacuuming and doing laundry? When we jointly decided that he would work stressful, late hours at the hospital and I would give up teaching to become a Goddess of Domesticity, did I accidentally also give up my right to a good night’s sleep? Did I sign on some dotted line that I agreed to be the lesser person in this marriage and therefore if one of us had to sacrifice rest it would automatically be me so that he could be his best?
Well hold the phone dammit!
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